Thus Far

2010-04-30T20:58:00.002-05:00

I'm so utterly confused. Things have been rocky between me and God since Germany...since 10/2009. At MHC friends would sometimes comment on my seeming steadfastness of faith...but where is that faith now?

It's amazing the powers others have to affect us, for better or for worse. Tip's persistent injury since New Year's Eve continues to affect my relationship with God. Four long months later, I still have difficulty finding the faith to believe Tip will fully recover.

Honestly, sometimes I don't want to talk to God about it. I don't want to hear what his answer will be. I don't want to chance God telling me that part of his plan is Tip NOT getting better; nor do I want to hear that it will take many more months-- or even a year-- for him to get better. Board alone is $525/month, not to mention the other associated care costs (trims, supplements, teeth floating, etc.) . I'm uneasy that my bio-mechanics person consulted an animal communicator when Tip stopped showing signs of change-- I suspect they fall into what the Bible calls "mediums" or "spiritists"-- but the promise of Tip recovering allures. 5 short sessions of 15-20 minutes of "energy giving"...and he should be improved. But even when he is healed, it will take many months of conditioning and training before I'll be at a point to ride him again.

Tomorrow is the last session. Should I cancel it and back-out, fearing demonic forces at work, or go through with it, hoping for the dramatic improvement?

Before the sessions started, I anointed Tip with oil in the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Seeing him in the days after, his eyes were open wide, his face seemed so much lighter and engaged with the world; I actually saw him buck in his stall a couple times. Since the 5 sessions started, Tip's eyes/face/demeanor has returned to normal...

Kyrie eleison.

2009-10-25T12:51:00.002-05:00

I'm not so sure about some things anymore.

Since starting to study archaeology, I've been thinking a lot about science, faith and truth.

Growing up, I was a scientist to the core (and also come from a family of scientists-- my extended family includes several molecular biologists). I always wanted to be an archaeologist or biologist or vet (all-science related professions). In middle school, I was on my schools "Science Olympiad" team and won several medals in geology, botany, paleontology and astronomy events. Then, in high school after I came to Jesus and started to have Christian friends, I lost my love of it all. The church told me that science was largely wrong and inaccurate, that whatever the Bible said was true and if something contradicted it, it was wrong. Now, through my archaeology class, I'm re-thinking all of that.

One thing though-- through it all, I've stubbornly held onto my belief in an "Old Earth," and find it plausible that the earth is billions of years old.

But what is truth? and whose truth is "right?"

Over the past three or so years, I've progressively been moving away from a belief in "absolute truth;"-- that is, I no longer believe that something is true, simply because it is in the Bible. Nor do I believe that just because it is in the Bible, means it is above scrutiny.

But I haven't necessarily become relativist, either. Rather, I believe truth is universal and unchanging. That it can be tested, scrutinized, and time and time again, it will be proven true.

The resurrection of Jesus Christ and the grandiose claims Paul makes about it are true. Not simply because they are in the Bible, but because a person can walk out onto those claims, and test them. They are not an abstract, philosophical proposition, either. Rather, they are a tangible, concrete reality available to anyone who wants it. They are made manifest in their lives.

Recently, I've also thought a lot about faith. It seems that at the end of the day, all one is left with, is in what will they place their faith? Any good scientist acknowledges that science can never conclusively prove something true. They just can't. And no scientific theory is a hard, fast, cold truth ("absolute truth, if you will). It is only an explanation for something that thus far has not been disproved. The scientific method is about disproving hypotheses-- that's all it can aptly do. Since very little can be empirically proven, a scientist is left with, really, is faith in the process.

So it goes with God. He will never be empirically proven, but through the eyes of faith, his existence is "proven" to us. As I read and consider the Bible, it seems above all else, he desires faith. Faith in his existence and revelation in Jesus, faith in his character and promises. I dare to believe that someone who honestly desires him but doesn't always act in accordance with his commands is found more highly than someone who acts in accordance with his commands, because "it is the right thing to do." The differentiation is subtle, but is the difference between true religion/spirituality and hollow religiosity.

And so, I have faith. Through faith, I believe that science isn't as off the mark as many Christians would have one think; though faith I also believe the accounts in the Bible are true (not because it is simply "the Bible"), but because I feel the touch of God when I read it and know it is true. And the most scandalous thing of all: I have faith that the two are not irreconcilable.

2009-05-18T21:49:00.002-05:00

Spiritual thoughts from a training philosophy

While riding today it struck me how much the Christian life is like dressage. See, dressage is a systematic way of training the horse. It starts as soon as the horse is able to carry a rider comfortably and ends when the horse has reached the top of the "scale" or ladder, but even so, training is always becoming refined. Despite this systematic scale or ladder of training, everything rests on two basic principles: 1) the horse must move forward at the impulse of the rider's leg into the bridle, putting weight in the rider's hand, and 2) the horse must carry most of its weight on its haunches, and the shoulders/forehand must bear less weight than normal. (2) is the goal of training, (1) is the means to accomplish it.

With the demands of the world to accomplish and achieve, it is tempting to skip steps in training, to take short-cuts. Some are as bad as faking it entirely, completely omitting teaching the horse to move off of the leg, into the bridle.

After trying to ride today for 15 minutes without getting the horse truly moving forward, off my leg and having no weight in the bridle, I realized my error, went back down to the basics and started to think about how similar this is to the Christian life.

Paul reminds us in Hebrews 6 that we should desire and seek to become mature in our faith. Elsewhere he says we are to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. But how is this achieved? I am convinced there is only one means possible: The Way of the Cross. To those in the Roman Catholic and [Eastern] Orthodox traditions, this is a visible, material way marked by the "stations of the Cross" and the Via Delarosa throughout Jerusalem. I counter it is not a physical path or spiritual exercise, but a way of life essential to and at the core of Christian discipleship. From Christ's agony in the Garden to his arrest, trial, beating, mocking and cruxification, we are called to enter into his sufferings, his self-relinquishment and utter obedience to the Father. We cannot excape it. Christ comes to us, saying "Come, follow me," but his path leads straight to the Cross. If we die at the hands of the world, to perscutions, mockings and actual death from those who watch us follow Jesus, then so be it. But the ultimate death is that of self: to hand over our insistance on our own way, our own goodness, our own self-relience to the one who did the same. Like dressage, it is so easy to skip this step, to try to move on to the more advanced levels and steps, to fake it or disregard it. But I'm convinced only through the Way of the Cross, do we taste his resurrection and mature in the faith.

Paul describes the Way of the Cross as such: I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead (Phil. 3:10-11, emphasis mine).

2009-01-29T22:16:00.002-05:00

Aaaaaand I'm back. I lost the account information for this blog for many, many years and after an hour or so of trying, I have it back!

--Stay tuned!

2007-04-16T21:42:00.000-05:00

Sheesh...haven't posted in a while (again). I guess that's partly because I haven't exactly known what to write about, or had the time/desire/energy to really post. Sorry faithful readers.

But... stuff in the horse world is really opening up for me and my roots are sinking deep into the valley, into the JR-- enough that my parents are now sending out my tack (3 saddles, bridles, various bits and other leather things necessary for riding). I received one box of my two dressage saddles a month ago; now I am waiting for my jump tack to arrive. With the onset of my two horse-y jobs comes this crazy, inexpressible hope and profound joy that resounds throughout my whole existance. It blows my mind that something so trival, such as the presence of horses in my life, could have such a deep impact on me. But it does. It also is mind boggling that in the past 4 weeks, my life in the valley has more or less become the life I wanted to lead in Germany--the only real difference is that I am in the states and not Germany.

None of this was my doing, but rather came as a result of sudden oppertunities arising and other oppertunities ending. No, it was certinaly not me, but rather Jesus of Nazerath, who gave me the life that I always wanted to lead.

2007-02-27T13:11:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd put this out there, least there should be some misunderstanding ;-)

I love my housemates. Adore them. They are so wonderful and there is so much love and laughter (and interesting discussions) in this house, that I praise God because of them and thank God each day for them.

<3

2007-02-20T22:17:00.000-05:00

Grace comes unexpectedly, sometimes...

It comes in the form of a generous [unexpected] offer to cover a large bill, because I can't take care of it myself.

I listened to a lot of Bebo today. I hadn't listened to him much the past year or two, but his music feels like the fabric of my life right now--emotionally honest, raw, yet posessing a richness in its depth [yet seemingly shallow...]. It has a perticular freedom about it; most of the songs are about the ordinary, the struggle and process of faith and transformation, or as his new cd title puts it "between the dreaming and the happy ending". I like that.

2007-01-31T23:35:00.000-05:00

Exactly *how* small is Oly now?!

I got a call from Kathleen (WA) this evening... as it turns out she was in PetCo this afternoon and saw my old science partner from hs working there. This is a rather strange turn of events; the last time I spoke with my lab partner, she was intending/preparing to move to Wales (this was roughly 6 years ago), but even stranger, is that Kathleen's call comes after weeks of this girl being on my mind and heart a lot. I wonder what she's been up to... how life has treated her. I don't expect her to remember me fondly, as we parted on questionable terms...but still, I wonder.

We were younger then, you and me, full of dreams, weren’t we?
I went my way, you went yours, where did you go, dear?
Someone said you had left the life we lived together then
This is my way of reaching out ‘cause I remember…

This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to speak to your heart
You are loved
More than you could ever know
This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to tell you something
You are loved
More than you can imagine
Imagine

If I told you would you believe, the narrow road, I did not leave
If I told you would you understand that I’ve found truth
Are you jaded? Are you hurting now? How I wish that I could tell
Where your heart’s at…can you see? Mine has found – home

Not sure if I’ve, made it clear enough
It’s not my love I sing about
Everybody asks, “Is God good?”
I believe, He is
In fact I know, He is
-Rebecca St. James

2007-01-15T01:43:00.000-05:00

Be warned: Musings...

I'm back again; back to where I grew up, sitting at the same computer that I wrote my IB extended essay on and often stayed up all hours of the night chatting with friends over AIM. But this ain't home anymore.

That point was hammered into me pretty much as soon as I stepped off of the plane. One good friend is engaged. A large, though not unexpected, shock for me; I think I've made peace with it now. Also, my grandparents' place for 40 years is now a mini-neighborhood and there is concrete growing where the trees once stood tall [all. over. the. region.].

As much as 2006 was a year of being stripped down for me, I hope 2007 will be one of restoration and healing. Little things, like someone speaking in German or Russian to me, remind me of who/what I was before the accident and stand in contrast to who/what I am now. These days I cling to the hope of restoration; not a restoration of being exactly who/what I was again, but one of restoring God's image in me. It is as if, through the aftermath of the accident, I have an invitation to deal with/confront certain areas of sin in my life.

It's getting late here.

Later, yo.

2007-01-08T14:44:00.000-05:00

Urbana06....

To begin with....

W-- the sign of Urbana/this generation: Whatever, Where ever, Whenever.

A fun pic of me at Urbana with other staff from around the country on the job...We were know, thanks to Jimmy Jao, as the "people with light-sabers." Very technical, indeed.

Ok, so I'm not so great at the updating thing...

Urbana was awesome! I'm not sure what made it so great, it could be several things, such as:
-God being very real, very present in it.
-That it wasn't/isn't so much about building up your faith or the experiencial stuff (such as getting a "God-high"), but about actually *doing* something with your faith...about not settling
-Standing on street corners around St. Louis very early in the morning and very late at night.
-the prayer ministry stuff and the people there
-going somewhere for a week and having all of my favorite people come with me too! (that was pretty amazing in and of itself!)
-mini-IV staff renuions at the airport at o'dark-thirty. :-)
-My room/hotel: Lynds, Colleen, Phyllis...this posh hotel 3 blocks from the convention center, with a great view of the arch and river and comfy beds!
-meeting MHC from '01 and '03
-NEW YEAR's!

or, it could be a combination of all of the above.

Small side note about New Years: typically, this is my least favorite holiday...but this year, its among my favorites. I spent it on a street corner, and at the beginning of the night was a little bummed about that (the other 22,200 people were inside the dome). But as the clock neared, and struck midnight, it became one of my favorite New Years... i was stationed on a 'new' block (not the location that i had spent the rest of the week at) and with a different partner. But there was a club on our block, blaring fun music and we could see the city's fireworks at midnight. I also had the joy of being hugged, high-fived, thanked, and hand-shook by a couple thousand delegates as they came from the dome and went safetly back to their hotels. AND of course, watchign the delegates dance to teh music as they walked down my block. That, in addition to the light-hearted atmosphere, was the best. The verdict?-- Sober, Christian Asian guys dance a whole heck of a lot better than drunk white guys. Girls grooved as they walked, but guys tended to stop and dance some.

I moved into the JR (MHC staff house, for those who are wondering) and it's beginning to feel more like home. Not that it didn't feel like home to begin with, but the level of "home feeling" has increased. It wasn't by any fancy powers or things, but rather the small things: like adding my tea stash to the tea drawer and my FD stuff to Jen's FD stuff and that to the house's FD stuff...you know, the little things. It'll feel even more like home when my pics arrive from WA (ahem, Dad....) and are on the walls and around my room.

A very belated, but nevertheless sincere, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

2006-12-09T23:06:00.000-05:00

I had an *awesome* Thanksgiving. A lot of my family (second cousins and so on) came from out of town, many of whom I had never met before in my life. All said, there were around 24 of us for Thanksgiving dinner. I also got to check out Northeastern (whoot!) and really liked what I saw and heard there...

Its getting late, but I'll write more later...ish

2006-11-18T14:42:00.000-05:00

Whoops...sorry about the lack of spell-check in the last post... hehe.

I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving: a chance to hang out with my crazy-fun fam, spend some time at the barn (no worries, I still can't ride for another couple of months...but that doesn't stop me from grooming or tacking/untacking), and "preview" the grad school that I am thinking of applying to... :)

2006-11-12T23:00:00.000-05:00

A photo for Crystal... [this is the "You" horse-- Fergus/Impressionist] ... I've been meaning to post this pic since our conversation.

I had a great time hanging out with people last night. I saw Sheneka and Crystal first, then headed up to Amherst for a long evening with Colleen... I miss that girl and our long coffee house talks on life, love, faith, work and other matters. Its nice having someone remind me of who I really am, when it seems/feels like I've lost so much of myself the past few months.

Tonight was the rep night at the bookstore, which was rather enjoyable. I got to meet a few of the reps from the publishing houses, hear about what the hot books are and even walk away with some. I definitely need a book case. I have wayyyyyy too many books in my room; they're piling up on my floor now. Being around it all, really reminds me of how much I love to write, and that premortal urge/tug I'm feeling towards persuing writing in a more professional manner.

2006-11-08T19:30:00.000-05:00

Meditating on this. . . (dc Talk's Supernatural)

This world's a tortured place to be
So many things to torment me
And as I stumble down this road it takes a toll
These days and nights I turn to You
No human hand can pull me through
No cosmic force or magic brew will ever do
But I can see it coming
You're not so far away
'Cause I can feel Your power
Surging through the whole of me

God is there and He is watching
He tells me all is well (it's supernatural)
God is there, there's no denying
He's supernatural (it's supernatural)
Supernatural

Beyond this physical terrain
There's an invisible domain
Where angels battle over souls in vast array
But down on earth is where I am
No wings to fly, no place to stand
Here on my knees I am a stranger in this land
I need an intervention
A touch of providence
It goes beyond religion
To my very circumstance

In six days, the universe was made
Supernatural
And from the dead a man was raised
Supernatural
They say He walked across the waves
Supernatural
And I'll believe it to my grave

[That is my life.] This is my God, the one in whom I place my trust. His faithfulness never fails.

I am increasingly thankful for the people in the NH. These current trials have allowed me to see a completely different side of the community. . . Take Jerry, for instance. I am so thankful that I live with someone like him. Before the community prayers/support for me began, I had no idea his faith was that deep; I am so thankful that it is, because his prayers and discernment remind me of who I am. . . not unlike what happens to Caspian (?) in the Silver Chair.

I am also thankful for the restoration of Xavier Naidoo's music on my computer. His music reminds me so much of Germany, of my love for the German people. It's suprisingly not a painful reminder, but a reminder that in due time I will be over there again.

2006-11-07T16:30:00.000-05:00

A few snippits from what I've been reading lately (The Open Secret by Lesslie Newbigin):

Jesus could not satisfy the vox populi. He outraged it. He rejected the "righteous" and accepted the "sinners". Or, to put the matter more accurately, the coming of Jesus is the shining of light, in which all are exposed as God's enemies, and all are accepted as God's beloved. Both the "righteous"-- the representatives of religion, of morality, of social and political order, of sacred traditions-- and the "sinners"-- "the man on the street", the thoroughly "conscientisized" crowd demonstrating outside the governor's mansion-- are revealed in the final showdown as the murderers of God, and both are accepted as the beloved of God. "Father, forgive them; they know not what they do." Jesus is not for one against the other. He is against all, for the sake of all. Faith sees, then, in this happening the wrath of God and his blessing. In the agony in the garden and in the cry of dereliction from the cross, where God was berift of God for our sake and the loving obedience that mankind refuses to give God was offered on our behalf, faith sees the decisive event by which all things were changed, the powers (of state, of law, of tradition) that falsely claim the absolute power were unmasked and disowned, and the reign of God was established. (From pg 50)

I've been meditating quite a bit lately on Jesus' blood. We all were bought with a hefty price: the blood of Christ. On my own, I am never found good enough. My extensive perfectionism, struggles accepting grace and forgiveness and despair when all that I see are my failings time after time and current situation only highlight that I am an enemy of God. It is only through God entering this world as man; the Blameless One [whose perfection I could never obtain] taking on my failings, the one with more power, wealth and prestige than all of the world leaders put together, executed, that I become the Beloved of God. That I can overcome the present. If that isn't a sober and humbling thought, then I don't know what is.

Those who are chosen to be bearers of a certain blessing are chosen for the sake of all. . . Bearers-- not exclusive beneficiaries. There lay the constant temptation. Again and again it had to be said that election is for responsibility, not for privilege. . . It is Jonah who must take God's message to Nineveh. He is the elect bearer of God's promise of blessing for the nations. No one else can bring the blessing. But the election and promise are for Nineveh, for the nations, not for Jonah alone. As God's chosen one he must suffer. God will not let him off. But God will also not let him go. For God does not cancel his calling. (Pg 32-3, my bold emphasis added)

I find Newbigin's thoughts on election and calling interesting in light of the past 6 months. The more I chew on it, the more I wrestle with what he's saying, the more I think he's on to something.

A few scattered musings from my life recently:

-Last Tuesday morning, I realized in one of those insightful, 'birds-eye' moments that I so badly need, that I will ride again. The call from last Fall still remains, but my perspective has dramatically changed. Now when I think of riding, its far less of me + horses and the expression/worship/"Jesus is Lord" part of it coming from that and for more about me + God and His kingdom and the horses coming out of that. I honestly know that even if I don't ever ride again, that I can have just as content and fulfilling of a life as with the horses. And I am secure in that realization. It's an awesome place to be.

-Its also humbling to fully realize that you are the weakest link. Yet, even despite this position, its even more humbling to see God manifest and use me despite my weaknesses. I hope I saw an example of this last night when discussing theology with a student. I certainly saw it two Fridays ago, when I lead the group in prayer-- the words coming out of my mouth were most certainly not my own.

Here's more Newbigin:

"Spirit" is the word used in English versions of the Bible to translate the Hebrew word rauch, meaning "wind" or "breath". A person's breath is the secret of life, and the Spirit of the Lord (rauch Yahweh) is the very life of the Lord himself put forth to give life and power, wisdom and speech, knowledge and understanding to humans. It is the living, mighty and self-communicating presence of God himself. (Pg 57).

Wow. Heavy post. Have a good evening y'all.

2006-11-01T19:17:00.001-05:00

I've been seeing a lot of the ugly side of life recently... it seems like in the NH we each have our own little crisis/thing that we're dealing with.

The biggest thing though, is that one of the residents (a recovering cocaine addict; the court mandated her placement here with her 16 month old daughter two months ago) dissapeared last night. WITH her daughter. We dont know where she is-- she and her daughter could be anywhere-- and she's not answering her cell phone. The heartbreaking part of this situation is that it will only end with DHS taking the daughter away; the mom is likely to be arrested. One family, two lives ruined, damaged irrevokably. All for the allure and the shallow promise of happiness that drugs offer.

Mood: sadness

2006-11-01T19:17:00.000-05:00

2006-10-29T14:31:00.000-05:00

On [not] sharing my faith...

I spent a couple hours today working on my email address book and adding names to a email group for my prayer letter/ministry update. Combing through my address book, I was taken back by how few people I've actually shared my faith with, or at least who know me as a Christian. It's like... the closer the person is to me, the less likely they are to know about my faith, perticulary if they knew me before or during my Conversion.

No wonder sharing my journey last Spring at MHC felt so much like coming-out...except it was with one small group of people and not everyone I know or who is important to me. I think that in all my years at Creekside and Miari, I came close only ONCE to sharing my faith...whether or not a few others have guessed my faith, I can only hypothesize. Given the hostile climate (a few often mock Christians just about every chance they get, another seems badly burned: "Gods too busy to hear your prayers"), I didn't [don't] want to be the one who throws salt in the wounds Christianity has inflicted upon them, to be the one who pushes them even further away, yet by not acknowledging that I am a follower of Christ, I am no better than the others and have no chance to help them see who Jesus really is.

As for my [extended] family, I can only guess. I suppose one good thing about my room back at my parent's, is that its not hard to figure out I'm a Christian from it; bad news is that my faith seems almost taboo-ish (but in whose eyes? mine? or theirs?) and has replaced the need to publicly declare that I follow Jesus.

There really are two "mes": the Christian and the closet Christian.

Once again this verse rings true to me:
"Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God." -2Co4:2

I have a lot of reconciling to do.

2006-10-21T00:54:00.000-05:00

I feel small and alone and fearful and my perception of myself is all jumbled up in a blender. I am quite possibly the most open I've been to/about God in a while, but I also ache the most: four days shy of six months since the accident and the pain/longing of not riding still haunts me. Huh-- I wonder if Kris would like a healing buddy...

Looking back over the past couple weeks, I can see the small ways in which people have buttressed themself around me; for that I am thankful. Like Jen-- her raw honesty and hospitality-- CP and all of her wonderfulness; Gina's faithfulness never ceases to bewilder me; Kathleen's courage and prayer support; Scott's understanding; Chris speaking truth directly into my life and the myraid of people who, well, give a rip.

I find myself listening to this song more and more lately....

Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

(Switchfoot, Learning to Breath)

and even more to this song...

Not much for conversation

I still find need to pray

Sometimes I get tired of walking

Through these ordinary days

If nothing else I get to see you

Even if we never speak

The harm of words though sometimes

We don't quite know

What they really mean

I don't know where

I don't know how

I don't know

your love can make

These things better

(Jars of Clay, These Ordinary Days)

2006-10-17T18:05:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I've had a Linkin Park day, but today is definitely one.

I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact
That everybody can see these scars I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you
To just believe this is real
So I, let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I've got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored

I am, a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
Cuz you don't understand I do what I can
Sometimes I don't make sense
I am, what you never wanna say, but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out
So I, let go watching you turn your back like you always do
You face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I've got

***

The four hardest things for me to say are:
-I hurt
-I need
-I love
-Help me
I'm having to say these a lot recently.

My life right now is riddled with gaping, oozing wounds--the spiritual sort. The damage is deeper than it looks and is seeping into all areas of my life. I have not the strenght to cling on, to fight these battles. Sometimes I just want to hide, to dissapear, to check myself into a mental institution in hopes that I'm just being dellusional, but that's not an option. More and more I wonder if Kathleen isn't on to something, that part of this mess is my pagan/wiccan past coming back to be reckoned with. Oye.

Please pray for me.

In other news, my "Jesus group" (Bible study for people who are unsure about their faith) is going well. :-)

2006-10-09T21:16:00.000-05:00

YEP... the long awaited quilt pic. If you look closely, you can see some of my hand-stiching.

A dorky looking picture of me that my friend Sheneka took, but it shows me and my car.....

So far its been a pretty good car and I am so thankful to have my own set of wheels! I also totally love the fact it is a very unique color (in the sunlight its a dijon mustardy-tan metallic), so NO ONE (that i know) has the same color car as me!

Mic Check

testing, testing, one, two, three. . .
this road i'm on, this life i lead
it isn't the one i thought i'd have,
but it ain't so bad either

more and more i see
that most of what i want
i hardly have to leave for.
books, reading, writing, friends
endless cups of tea and coffee shops
the Bible, tough conversations about life, faith and God
fill my days.

A Washingtonian no longer, I've given ties to my childhood up
to embrace God's plan. [I'm a Masschusettisan now.]
My roots will never leave me.

Deep down, underneath the day-to-day,
beyond the doubts and the uncertainies,
I hope--long?-- to ride again,
once more
to be immersed in German cultural goodness.

My faith isn't as strong as it once was,
doubts, disillusions and cold, hard concrete
eroded much of it.

I long for the one who sees me;
who sees me as i am--
through the front of a neatly-packaged life,
through the dreams, the schemes and craziness,
to put his arms around me;
his stillness and strength
lets a trembling, anxious me know
that everything's gonna be okay.

check, check. . . mic check done.

2006-08-31T12:10:00.000-05:00

Busy week:

-Gave quilt to Krumreys. They really liked it (pics to come, promise!), which was good :-)
-BOUGHT a car- "Dayeinu" (Hebrew for "it would have been enough"). The story of the car is similar to that of the Hebrews' delieverence out of Egypt and the Christian's salvation--hence the name. It would have been enough if God had just delievered the Hebrews or if God had just given us salvation, but instead he gave so much more.
-Got hired at two places and quit one job.

(btw, this was ALL in one day...)

now, i'm busy getting my car set to go and getting ready for the IV retreat!

2006-08-21T17:50:00.000-05:00

Hello world!

In my absence, I was hired by IVCF as part-time staff at MHC, I spent a week at Toah Nipi for new staff training, regionals and area meetings and now I'm off to Boston for a few days to see family, friends and to meet with some MHC alumni about fund development stuff, since I'm raising my own funds. --I guess this is one cool aspect about InterVarsity: that all of the national org's funds are raised by people like me and Jen instead of playing the whole corporate/finance game.

Getrude is spending a couple weeks at the house and its great having a roomie again! After two years in triples, especially a year with Marija and Nadine, sleeping in a room alone is a little lonely/awarkard. Its also really cool to see/listen to her process stuff that is pretty normal around here... like the other day, this homeless guy, "Gil", comes over for the afternoon so Pat can record some of his poetry/verse (he's an amazing wordsmith) and then Getrude, Pat and I took him back "home" to the overflow shelter after dinner.

I also finished THE quilt, for my faithful MoHo readers who know what I'm talking about. 13 months later... I'll try to remember to post pics after it's been given.... its really pretty. :-) [Its probably a good thing Romy's not here, cuz otherwise she'd steal it for sure!!!]

One last thing: please be praying for me. I really need a car by the 30th, so I can start driving to MHC (moving up there isn't an option, for varying reasons), but to be honest, my car budget right now is $75--. I'm praying that God will either give me a car, or will give me the funds to purchase a car. I believe he can (and will) do this, but with my hour of need quickly approaching, I have the urge to try and take things into my own hands (ironic, considering the aforestated budget). So yeah. Please pray... I'll keep updating.

2006-08-08T17:21:00.000-05:00

Stuff rattling around my head:

-What does it really mean to follow Christ?

-"The Kingdom of God is within you."

2006-08-07T22:56:00.000-05:00

In light of recent events. . .

To you, O Lord, I lift my soul
In you, O God, I place my trust
Do not let me be put to shame
Nor let my enemies triumph over me

My hope is you
Show me your ways
Guide me in Truth
In all my days
My hope is you

I am, O Lord, filled with your love
You are, O God, my salvation
Guard my life and rescue me
My broken spirit shouts
My mended heart cries out. . .
-Third Day

2006-08-06T11:13:00.000-05:00

I went Episcopalian today at this church (www.christchurchcathedralspringfield.org). It was refreshing to be reminded of God's holiness, to be confronted with His awesome and terrible power. It seems like all too often recently I have put God in a box, have split hairs ("yes, but...") and have tried to conform him to my image, instead of me to His. While the unstated code of conduct (when to sit, stand, kneel, cross oneself, etc) might seem stuffy and the litergal readings dry and bland, I worshiped more there then I have the past month or so. Somewhere in the midst of it all, I heard God, I felt God and leaned against His mighty shoulder. I might not have worshipped in the Spirit, but oh boy, did I worship in His truth.

Side note: one really cool thing about this church, is that they're dedicated to helping Springfield's poor; they run a soup kitchen for the low income at lunch every day (about 200 in the neighborhood show up), they're bilingual (while ties could be strenghtened between congregations, there are ties existing, so it not just one church, two bodies, but rather one church, one body-ish), and they're letting Nehemiah Ministries use their building for a homeless awareness day.

I'll admit, I didn't entirely go [to the service] for kicks.

A couple days ago, a housemate asked me an innocent question that still throbs-- "Do you miss riding?" I stammered out an answer, but answer is my silence, the tears no one has seen, the longing ache of my heart. It's not just riding that I miss, its Germany.

More than any other sanctuary I've seen in this city, CCC's reminds me of the German church... while there are some differences between the Evangelical church (Germany) and the Episcopalian church, they are more similar than different.

Side, side note: Like the Evangelical church, the congregation was prodominately older (middle aged, retired, elderly), yet the congregation was one of the warmest, friendliest congregations that I've encountered in the US (very similar to Europe). I was stopped by several people (including a MHC alum) to chat... ironically most 'normal' or charasmatic (Assembly of God, Baptist, United Methodist) churches that I've been to don't have congregations like that.

On a different note, I've gotten quite a bit of quilting done recently and the one the MoHos all saw me working on last year is nearly finished! I WILL get it done before I leave for Toah Nipi on Saturday... HURRAH!

Speaking of Toah Nipi, I received some conference material (even the word 'conference' makes me feel all official and business like) for the regional/area conference. This IV stuff is beginning to feel more like a reality.

CONGRATS to Tori!!!! How exciting!

2006-07-26T14:39:00.000-05:00

The Secret's out...

I'm applying to work as PT staff for MHC's IV. It just doesn't seem like I've "finished" the job...like I'd be walking away with 3/4 of the stuff done and still 1/4 left to do. So I'm going back to "finish" it, what ever that means. And, yes, its a year-long commitment.

The Lion's Den's still in the picture; more on that later.

2006-07-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

Life is...

great/exhausting

The summer program began for the kids this week and its far more exhausting that I can even begin to describe. We have 11 kids who come, and for the first hour, we try to get them to play games with us, like catch or soccar or pictionary. Then usually comes the arts and craft time/boys play pool. After that is lunch and then the bible study and then everyone loads back up and we drop them off. Altogether, the program is 2 hours. The kids are obstenient, hungry, impatient, short-tempered, lovable. So far, I haven't had a day yet, in which fists fly at each other or verbal agression hasn't occured. I've gotten very good at breaking up fist fights: putting myself in the middle of two feuding boys, while tearing one off the other. For all of this, the kids are hungry: physically (i'm not sure how much food is in some of their houses) and spritually.

Greg origionaly said to keep the Bible study short-- like 5-10 minutes, yet i'm finding these kids so hungry to get into the word and to learn truth and to experience real love, that the past couple days i've budgeted 20-30 minutes for it (1/4 to 1/6 of the total progarm time). While most Bible studies that I've seen occur at the Den are about the Christian life, I've refocused them onto who Jesus is and faith. Some of our new kids haven't been exposed to God before, I dont' think, and they're asking questions like "are angles real?" and "how does Jesus heal people?" Question for my readers: what do you wish you had been told about Jesus when you were younger (12 and under)? What stories/truths did you like the best? What about Abba? The Holy Spirit?

I absoluetly love working with these kids. Sure its frustrating at times, and tireing (I need a 2-3 hour nap after I'm done with the program for the day), but its like Abba has taken my hand in his and placed it over his heart, as if to say, "see, here's where my heart lies, feel it beat."

Socially, a turning point seems to have been made. Monday, I spent ALL evening with the daughter of one of the pastors at the Russian church I do stuff with, and last night, I spent a while on the phone talking to anohter girl (same church, but shes American, not Eastern European). Yay for hanging out with people who are about my own age.

Meanwhile, technology hates me. My computer broke a few weeks ago (hardware problem, as of yet, haven't been able to get it fixed), my iPod that was such a wonderful gift from IVCF girls wont turn on (its under warrenty, so I'm sending it back to the company for repair)...and I dont know what to do about my car situation. As my parents point out, if I'm staying in Springfield for longer, then getting a car makes sense...BUT it does hinder my mobility (read: EUROPE) options. Part of my doesn't want to leave, especially leave those kids...not after this week (see 2 paragraphs above), but at the same time, commiting myself to a place (especially Springfield) is really frightening, cuz i dont really wanna give up that freedom.

2006-07-07T22:50:00.000-05:00

I ABSOLUTELY love my "job". Evenings like tonight make it all worthwhile. A puppet team came in from Cederville University (Ohio) and did a puppet show the past two days and I got to hang out with them quite a bit. Its a fairly small team (3 guys, 3 girls) but they were super nice and it was great spending time with college students again. I'm driving a *tank* of a van right now-- its one of those mini-PVTA buses (10 seater, but wheelchair accessable) and when filled with middle schoolers it makes for an interesting trip. Anyways, I learned to get help in transporting the kids-- me to drive and 1-3 others to entertain the kids in the back and make sure they're sitting down, wearing seatbelts and such. One really cool thing is that some kids who have never EVER been to the Lion's Den decided to come with the others to this VBS that Greg's church is putting on (the puppet team is doing the children's portion). When you are firm and pay attention to the kids and interact with them, there's nearly a 180deg turn-around in their behavior and they're really great kids with lots of potential.

Anyways, after the program tonight one of the kids who's never been in contact with us accepted Christ... it was really really cool to witness him put his faith in God and pray and talk about the Bible with (I wasnt accually walking him through it-- my friend Matt was)... I'll get to disciple him in the coming weeks/months/years [that's right-- years. I'm strongly considering staying in Springfield for longer than 6 months]. The other kids when we dropped them off at the projects really didn't want to get out of the car and were giving us hugs and high-fives and tryign to climb back into the van. In the van Andrew (Cederville) was driving, they taught the kids the lyrics and hand motions to "One Way" a really catchy, up-beat p/w song. I'm really really excited for the rest of summer and to see the kids more (a couple kids asked us if we'd be back tomorrow and were rather displeased when we said, no tuesday).

*happy blissful sigh*

The best party though, is that it is ENTIRELY God...Nicholas accepting God, the change in attitudes adn excitement/enthusiam of the kids for our ministry.

Earlier this morning/afternoon, I was sorta grumbling to Abba about some stuff [what exactly i cant remember right now] and the bottom line was that I prayed that he would either change me or the circumstances... looks like He's changed/ing both. God's just awesome like that.

2006-07-02T11:28:00.000-05:00

[this goes out to all of my IVCF and DOZ friends...one in perticular]

I'm really really really sorry. I'm sorry for all the times i was so entrinched in academics that it seemed like there was no time for you, for God, for reaching out and untying the ropes that held you bound. I'm sorry for the times I had a frenzied mentality, for the "it shoulda been done yesterday" mentality...and could never just "rest" in the moment. And I'm even sorrier if I placed any of that onto you.

While I hope-- I pray-- that some of this was undone my senior year, that doesn't excuse the semesters that I was like that. Forgive me this grevious sin.

So why now, why this change? Because I work for someone who's like that [see above]. I never want to be like that again.

Apparently, the Sabbath isn't just a day of the week. It's a lifestyle, its a mentality, it's a choice that has to be made daily...to give God the firstfruits of everything--including time. While some sense of haste is good (benificial even, so that we don't become lazy and slack off on the purpose/task given to us), frenzy is the opposite of rest, of trust [in God's timing, his will, his plan].

***

In other news, my best friend from high school, Kim, came out and visited me for 3 days. It was amazing having her out here. We went to the mall and hung out at the house on Friday, Saturday we went (after sleeeeeeeeeping in) to Amherst, Hadley (yeah River Rd and Sugar shack!), but spent most of the day in NoHo. We had so much fun trying on expensive ring sets, going through all the little botiques, eating at Harrels and Spleto... twas fun to run into Cindy, Ali and Jen. :-) Later, after dinner we went for a "short" stroll around NoHo at night, which ended up being an hour long funness photographing the various churches at night. We got some great shots.

2006-06-20T21:08:00.000-05:00

Life in the "co-ed" world.

I've lived amongst the guys for almost a month now. How is it?, you might ask.

Overall, its been great. I definitely miss having girls my age around, especially fellowshiping with girls the way I did at college. I really miss that, and feel spiritually "starved" in that area. But being around guys has its pluses.

Reflecting on the matter earlier today, its like I've become a woman since moving in here. Not 'woman' in the traditional married, no longer a virgin sense, but 'woman' in that i seem to have found my place as a female in the company of guys. Let me explain. Contrary to the feminist version of what a female should do-- the whole equality amongst the sexes thing-- I've come to accept, develop, and embrace the feminine. The man who owns the house I live in repeatedly calls me "ma'am" and one of the other guys in the house often calls me "little miss". My 'feminine' presence in the house is acknowledged by the guys here.

I'm learning/have learned to come under male leadership and still function 'normally' (i.e. independently, self-reliantly...as i would at college). I've learned/am learning to accept/embrace/act within gender confines at the workplace and not just in a dating relationship: just because my supervisor is male, that doesn't mean I stop being 'female'. Indeed, even though its "the workplace" he still expects to open doors for me and the like. Yet there's "not even a hint of immortality" at work: its written in the bylaws that no single female/male can be alone with a person of the opposite gender in a confined space (building, room, car, etc.). While this might seem odd to many, its something that I have really come to appreciate and welcome in the past couple of weeks. [Like it at home, no person of the opposite gender can come into a person's room.]

Another thing that I really appreciate from ALL the guys I associate with regularly, is they maintain a distance from me emotionally. One of my weaknesses is easily/quickly forming emotional attachments [becoming "emotionally promiscuity"] with guys. Several readers may recall my struggles with this sin last year (particularly this past spring). Yet, I really can't say that this has been a struggle for me since moving here. While I do converse with guys [and quite a bit considering my housing situation] none of the conversations [yet] have lead to emotional promiscuity. I'm really thankful that they are "building towers of silver on [me]" and "enclosing [me] with panels of cedar"(refer to Song of Songs 8:8-9)-- both physically AND emotionally. Far more so than any other group of guys I've been around. I'm grateful for their integrity and my [future] husband will really appreciate it.

One final thought is that when I accept and embrace my femininity, willingly come under their leadership, and allow the guys to do things like open doors for me and follow behind me when walking single file, I'm allowing them to be the men that God intended them to be, as well as becoming more of the women that God intended me to be. It's a win-win situation: we as women just have to humble ourselves enough to let them do it for us [or encourage the guys to do so if they aren't already so inclined]. :-)

2006-06-18T22:09:00.000-05:00

3 exciting things since my last post:

1) Colleen visited me for 3 days. It was fabulous having her here and exploring Springfield with her and doing crafts/movie watching together!!!

2) We [Colleen and I] were interviewed by Greg and Larry on the radio. We talked a lot about being Christian at MHC and put in several plugs for various things. Let's see, we plugged: Mount Holyoke, Nehemiah Ministries, Lion's Den Outreach Center, Daughters of Zion, MERCYhouse, Amherst Christian Fellowship, MHC InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, Amherst Koinia Church, Music Fest, European Studies, German Studies and Neuropsych progams at MHC. That's a lot of plugs in such a short time.

3) GOD IS ENTIRELY FAITHFUL (aka: I got paid). It was a very pleasent suprise this afternoon when my supervisor left a voice mail saying he had 2 checks for me to pick up. It was completely unexpected and I just humble myself before the Lord in praise of his provision.

2006-06-14T09:35:00.000-05:00

Wow.. haven't posted in awhile. Sorry about that.

But God has been incredibly faithful.

I spent much of last week questioning everything: my job, my life, my existance, God's love; i think salvation was also probably somewhere in the mix. But by the end of the week, God affirmed that I am here, where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing. The confirmation is nice :)

Tied into this, my best friend from high school is coming out for a week for a business conference and the flight times are in such a way that we get to spend a morning together, and then 2-3 days. It's her first time out east; she'll come in two weeks.

Last Saturday TOTALLY got me hooked on what I'm doing. Greg (supervisior) asked me to help out at a youth outreach event that a bunch of churches put together. So I went and spent 6 hours keeping an eye on 4-12 year olds. I think there were about 80 kids. After a morning of games, crafts and lunch, this group from a local Russian church (!) (i think they're quickly becoming my 'new best friends') did a "Kid'z Church" service. It was AMAZING. Better then some of the 'normal' church services i've been to. But they talked about how we are created for a specific purpose: to worship God. At the end, when the alter call came, there was not many kids left in their seats (about 10). EVERYONE ELSE came forward to either dedicate their lives to Christ for the first time or to rededicate their lives to him. It was totally the Spirit-- when the alter call first came, the row of girls sitting infront of me IMMEDIATELY jumped forward, out of their seats and came forward. The alter call wasn't even finished. The other volunteers and I went forward and laid hands on the kids and prayed over them, then we formed a circle around the kids and prayed. It was an AMAZING experience-- just writing about it now gives me goosebumps. This "Soul Business" thing is addictive. In a good way, of course. ;-)

As far as settling in, i'm still trying to find my limits of what i can and cant do and get comfortable with the teens and news. Least I forget why I am here, but not always being a 'nervous rabbit' would be a good thing. My heart goes out to one of the guys in the house and to the teens I work with: they have lost A LOT of friends lately from gang violence.

2006-06-06T21:56:00.000-05:00

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret I can't see how
You're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.

~Rich Mullins, "Hard to Get"

2006-06-01T14:10:00.000-05:00

As I promised Romy, I do try and blog more during the summer months, so I'm making good on my promise. :-)

Let's see...since the last time I posted, I've:

-walked in the Laurel Parade (MHC's best tradition, I think)
-GRADUATED (w/o passing out from the heat!)
-had a really great time with ALL members of my family and a semi-chaotic graduation party
-hung out with one of my best friends and talked with the other
-moved in to the community house with a bunch of guys (!!!)
-received a very suprising, but useful gift from friends [y'all are *AMAZING* *kisses*]
-started working with the street kids (ages 2nd-5th grade)
-went down to Hartford to network and ended up being told that I should go to seminary (!!).

Unfortuantly, I've noticed some not so great things about myself the past few days...
-like that I'm not very comfortable with myself/my testimony around these people and i don't really know who to turn to or how with some stuff so i've become like a white-washed tomb.

Off to see the doc again tomorrow (i get my med bracelet cut off-- YAY!) and then to CT to spend the weekend with Linds. This upcoming week is a mini-urban plunge/community building week for us at the House.

2006-05-24T16:06:00.000-05:00

Sometimes... help comes from the strangest of places.

Doin' better.

2006-05-22T22:13:00.000-05:00

...devestated...

2006-05-18T14:39:00.000-05:00

I'M GRADUATING!!!! so, I'll get to walk AND get my diploma on May 28th!!!!!!!

2006-05-12T18:53:00.000-05:00

Free, I long to be free

I long for the day I'll believe

That all you say you see in me is true

That's hard for me to do

It's hard for me to die to myself

Entrust my life to someone else

So come empty me out

I'm no good without You inside of me

Come and fill my heart with hope

Come and fill my life with love

Come and fill my soul with strengh to carry on

Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long

Come and fill my days with dreams

Empty me of all the empty things

That I hold onto

Come and fill my heart with you

I need you in my life

Need you like the air that I breath

You've become the very heart of me

And I, I can't believe my eyes

Can't believe the dream that I've found

Lord, your love has turned my world around

So come fill up my heart

'Till I'm like you are

So deep inside of me

Search me, Lord

Try my heart

Come and take me now and make me new

So that all of the world will see you

Overflow in my life

~Avalon

2006-05-12T14:22:00.000-05:00

I've had multiple requests to post again, so here goes....

I have come face to face with my own insufficienties and fragility more in the past two weeks than probably in my life...or at least in a long, long time. Being independent in nature, its been difficult coping with all that I can't do... like taking the stairs or walking around campus or carrying a dinner plate.

My life has changed so vastly since that day: driving out to the barn, Kiara and I were so full of life, of happiness, of plans; after a two-week push with my thesis, it was finished and we could ride together again and work the other horses that we'd wanted to work all semester, but never had the time to. Yet lying on the sand, everything changed so drastically.

The lone yellow daisy in the vase reminds me of all that I am acutely thankful for: for all the visits, cards and cds in the hospital, for the flowers, for all the time and people spent in prayer, for the breath of life and that I'm not paralized or with brain damage. that even though the path is steep and the road is long right now, it won't always be. For the daily lunch runs people make for me. For supportive parents and medical insurance. For understanding teachers. FOR GOD'S GRACE.

With still no word from Germany, riding might remain a "what might have been" chapter in my life. I'm ok with that, as long as God continues to have a plan for my life.

***

I can't even write finals.

***

And the pain falls like a curtain

On the things I once called certain

And I have to say the words I fear the most

I just don’t know

And the questions without answers

Come and paralyze the dancer

So I stand here on the stage afraid to move

Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must

On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not

I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting

God is God and I am man

So I’ll never understand it all

For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder

And I’m filled with awe and wonder

‘Til the only burning question that remains

Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain

Take the stars in hand and count them

Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me

He is first and last before all that has been

Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge

How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne

Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

[Great is the Lord, Holy, Holy, Great is the Lord]

~Steven Curtis Chapman

2006-04-17T00:41:00.000-05:00

Oh. my. stars.

This guy essentially started my thesis topic... rather, he's in charge of the organization that started the 2004 demonstration movement, which is my topic.

Check out what Wikipedia says about him:

Although [Lyndon] LaRouche has no formal qualifications, he has written extensively on economics, science, politics, and cultural topics as part of his political views. Critics regard him as a conspiracy theorist, crackpot, attention-seeker and political extremist, while Chip Berlet, Dennis King, and others have described him as a fascist, a cult leader, and an anti-Semite. He has also been labelled an "unrepentant Marxist-Leninist" by Lt.Gen. Daniel O. Graham, former head of the Defense Intelligence Agency,along with other high-ranking U.S. intelligence officers. He denies all of these characterizations. His followers regard him as a brilliant individual who has been unfairly persecuted for political reasons.

I feel for some reason, that my thesis has suddenly grown a lot more colorful...

2006-04-16T12:06:00.000-05:00

For your Maker is your husband--
the Lord Almighty is his name--
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.

-Isaiah 54:5

Praise the Lord that through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, mankind is reconciled with God.

Praise the Lord that, though he is absent, he has given us his Spirit-- the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the grave-- to instruct us and as a deposit for what is to come.

Praise the Lord for how deep is the Father's love, that he should send Jesus to die for us.

Praise the Lord that because of it all, we are transformed to be like him, the Lord Almighty, the Holy One of Israel.

At the core of my existance, hidden behind the pious, cultured exterior, I am a brute and a beast, one rivaling even Tolkin's orcs. Any good you see in me, any love that you feel from me-- that is not me, but rather Christ in me.

To everyone, everywhere: HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

2006-04-07T22:02:00.000-05:00

*shakes head* the things I do for my friends these days...

I can't believe that I'm actually writing this, but I was in a dance performance this evening. Like up on stage dancing in front of people type of dance performance. A hip-hop/jazz dance performance. A friend needed a back-up dancer for the dance she was choreographing and I had some free time.

The next few weeks will be trying, but it's love for my roomies (all three of 'em) that compels me to get through them victoriously.

2006-04-04T17:13:00.000-05:00

I sometimes wonder if I should check myself into a mental hospital, and given the past 4ish days, it's a logical concern. Yet the girls from Fri night and my soul bare testimony that what seems to be fantasy is, indeed, fact.

2006-04-02T19:58:00.000-05:00

"He fell to the earth a weak youth and rose up a fighter, steadfast for the rest of his life, and he knew it and felt it suddenly, in that very moment of his ecstasy." (Brothers Karamazov 363)

This pretty much sums up my weekend.

2006-03-30T14:13:00.000-05:00

"Do you see our Sun, do you see him?"
"I'm afraid. . . I don't dare to look," whispered Alyosha.
"Do not be afraid of him. Awful is his greatness before us, terrible is his loftiness, yet he is boundlessly merciful, he became like us out of love, and he is rejoicing with us, transforming water into wine, that the joy of the guests may not end. He is waiting for new guests, he is ceaselessly calling new guests, now unto ages of ages. See, they are bringing the new wine, the vessels are being brought in. . ."

-from the Brothers Karamazov, pg 361-2

My eyes are moistened by this portrayal of Christ...

2006-03-27T18:14:00.000-05:00

I got this *ridiculously* good smelling thing in the mail today. Call it a 'love gift' from a best friend who knows me far too well. Its one of those things that if it weren't for public decency, my nose would be permanently attached to. It smells just that good.

[and if you haven't noticed, smells mean a LOT to me. i kinda freaked out my first year roomies when we were getting to know each other over the phone before college started when i asked them what their favorite scent was. ]

Brings me back to another place, another time.

Reminds me of traveling around eastern Virginia with my parents (was it really 10 years ago?!); of Mount Vernon and Chincoteague, where it grew wild along the roads and the air was laden with it.

More recently, it reminds me of warm summer nights in WA spent talking to Em and Ad on the deck. [Until very recently, we had a huge honeysuckle plant wrapped around the front porch/deck that i'd have to battle every summer with a pair of scissors]. And somehow, it reminds me of the night swims that Em and I would take at her beach house on Harstine...and the night God spoke to me out of the oblivion. Mixed in with that plant and Em was the day Boots chose us...me really, since I was the first to pet him, to pick him up.

Then there's Miari and Ferg and the 2000 show season. Right before the home show, I gave two plants to Kari to plant on the farm. They remained alive the entire time I was at the barn, but met their end in a windstorm since I came out east.

Smelling it, the present becomes the past and the future simultaneously.

Best of all, I can take the present with me to Germany and let it perfume my apartment and my life there. :)

2006-03-26T19:38:00.000-05:00

I really should write. Considering that I just came back from dropping off the face of the planet (well, sorta... New Orleans DID come back from the verge of non-existance) and just had perceptions of life challenged in some really big ways, it seems that i should write. But I won't. I will walk over three feet to my comfy bed and sprawl out on it and dig into the Word and Augustine. And then I will sleep for not nearly long enough, but it will be entirly luxerious compared to the controlled corporate sleep I got on cement and linolium floors of the past 10 days.

And then, perhaps I will write.

2006-03-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

Hello dearest readers...

Perhaps you can help me out with this. I'm taking a literature course this semester on Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamazov and one of the popular themes that comes up in class is the call of Christians to love. In the novel (if you can really call an 800 page literary monstrosity that) the main character is a monk whose interactions always demonstrate unconditional love; he never chooses to be bitter or resentful or to seek retribution, even when he has every right to. For example, a school boy out of the blue throws stones at him (even hitting him on the head) and bites his finger down to the bone, and the main character never sought to do so much as rebuke the boy for his actions.

The questions that comes up most often in class is "how realistic is this love really for today?" and "is Christ's example and standards of how we should treat our 'neighbor' unobtainable/unrealistic?"

In light of that, I want to pose the following question to you: where have you seen the love of Christ in your life or in the lives of others around you?

Any and all anecdotes/examples from real life are *greatly* appreciated.

*hugs*

2006-03-13T09:38:00.000-05:00

ha! my 100th post!

Update on the Roomie: the MIA roomie was found again and is doing well :-)

Given the recent themes of beauty and weakness/strength in my life, this just seemed fitting (it also has been on repeat 1 on my computer for the last week):

I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love

Father come to me, hold me up 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is shot, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain

You're my portion in this life
You're my strength now in my fight
And to You I pledge my heart
In the pain and in the dark I'll love You
I'll love You, I'll love You

~Charlie Hall (On the Road to Beautiful)

2006-03-11T23:05:00.000-05:00

Hurray for roomies!

I just had the most awesome weekend with Nadine. It was simply amazing to see her again. We were able to hang out around campus, shoe shop in the Holyoke mall, had a crazy time in NoHo and then veg out watching the gilmore girls. It's so cool to see how she has changed and grown, and yet it was like nothing had changed. She's a fabulous roomie-- I'm soooo blessed to have had such great roommates.

I wish I knew how Marija was doing (my other fabulous roomie). I haven't talked to her in awhile, so I can only trust that she's doing well and that the Lord is keeping her close...

2006-03-07T23:17:00.000-05:00

The highlight of my day was definitely sharing *two* meals with a dear friend. :-) The best part about it was just being able to enjoy her for who she is and who she is becoming. Regretably, in between the stress of midterms and life and such throughout the previous weeks, I felt like some of that enjoyment had been marred. :-(

2006-03-06T15:09:00.000-05:00

Something inside of me has broken free.
All the bitterness, the anger, the feelings of rejection are gone.

It's like I've become innocent again.

=)

Praise to the Lord, for nothing is beyond the scope of his grace.

2006-03-04T18:13:00.000-05:00

What's all been going on inside my head...

After Wednesday, I feel so transparent on this campus. Like I have nothing to hide, and am out in the open for all to see. Suprisingly, it's a great feeling.

On stumbling blocks.

Stumbling blocks in my life have been many these days. I'm still off and on bitter towards the ex (coupled with still being mad at myself for not listing to the Spirit 6 months sooner), trying to put my thoughts/hopes elsewhere after the other boy. What two other guys have done recently towards close girly friends definitely doesn't help matters. Almost makes me want to walk up to one of the aforementioned guys and try out some of my new techniques. RAWR.

Frightening dreams do not make me want to run to God.

2006-03-01T12:32:00.000-05:00

Wow. Have y'll seen the heated discussion about starting a pro-life club on this campus?
-If not, check out :http://mhc.dailyjolt.com/forum/read.html?id=33272

I have to give major props to whomever is trying to start this-- talk about guts and flying in the face of adversary...

Its exactly what this campus could use more of.

2006-02-27T18:32:00.000-05:00

LEAP OF FAITH

I bought my plane ticket today. One way to Frankfurt.

And I'm not even sure I have a job at this point. My contact emailed me and said that after looking at my video (from 2003), they would like to begin with a one month trial period "to get a better feel for me and my riding". That way, if my riding sucks, they're not out anything.

So, I'm taking the plunge. God is good, and He's provided for me this far~

Lord, please let your strength and grace cover my weakness.

2006-02-26T19:10:00.000-05:00

My roommate called me last night... TOTALLY made my day. :-) My other roommate is coming to visit sometime this week-- she flys in to Boston on Tuesday. What can I say, I'm totally blessed to have such awesome roomies and am very excited to talk to and see them again! Hooray!

In other news, I'm not feeling the warm fuzzies towards the postal service these days. I am waiting on three packages from Germany: one, which was sent by ship mid-December, the others sent by airmail at the beginning of Feb. To top it all off, my parents sent me a parcel of more breeches/horse stuff from home 3 weeks ago (it usually takes 6 days, standard mail). Arrugh. >:-[

2006-02-14T20:56:00.000-05:00

wow...i think this has been the best Valentine's day i've had...ever (or at least since elementary school). i feel so *loved* by everyone and such a punk for not doing anything for people :/

the coolest part is that even if not a single person had wished me happy Valentine's day, it still would have been amazing, because God's love is more than enough. The Valentine's day i spent with my then-boyfriend, was great sure, but it wasn't like this. Being single has only accentuated an awareness of God's love (and-- my acceptance of that love): not in a "I'm lonely and have to be content with God" sorta way, but in the "all consuming love" sorta way.

To my friends who are in relationships new and old: may your Valentine's day be filled with love and joy, and may your boy shower you with affection. :)

To the Lord, my God: I rejoice and delight in you, I will praise your love more than wine. (SoS 1:4)

<3

I meant to post this a few days ago, and given today's holiday, here's a throwback to the days of old:

"Is specialness a word?"

"I guess I've been forced to put you on my 'missed opportunities' list"

"Would you ever take me to Sadies again?. . . I'm gay though"

"You are one dead sexy thing"

"Hooked on an 8-second ride"

"Since we're stopped. . ."

"May the swimmer boys always be straight"

"Riding off into the sunset..."

Here's to da click (CS, FS, LB, Imp) and the Baywood Babes (4.oh, Princess, Brat and Michevious), Abby and the Stud (aka Kim, Mel, Erin, Leen, Brandon, Seth, Steven, Abby and myself)-- our lives might have taken seperate roads, but i still love y'all.

2006-02-07T12:48:00.000-05:00

Swiss cookies don't mold.

I got some in the mail today from my mother--the package that she had sent to me at the beginning of Jterm. These cookies did not originate with her, but rather with my aunt who lives in CO, which she had made at the beginning of December.

They do however become disturbingly soft.

2006-02-04T19:16:00.000-05:00

i don't know how to do this...
i don't know how i'm gonna make it through the next 4 months, and really anytime after that, with out coming across as stuck up and conceited.

one of the greatest things about Miari is that for most of the time i spent there, i was the low man on the totem pole: while everyone else was riding the higher levels of dressage, i was at the bottom, struggling to climb the ladder. a lot of people had names for themselves, reputations either through awards or acheivement or for being a calander girl or whatever and i was a bit of a nobody. plus they had warmbloods, or if not a warmblood, then a fancy substitue. i had this thing off the track; athletic, yes, but not without a few screws loose in between the ears. but it kept me humble, kept me sane, and gave me some really awesome role models. and i always had anne around with a ready fist incase i did start to become conceited.

fast forward a few years~

out here, i guess one might say im towards the top of the totem pole: if not by show experience, then by knowledge and connections. and i forget to watch my tounge sometimes: like reminicing about my experiences in Germany, or the problems i encountered in the higher levels, like getting the horse to sit and not spin in the canter pirotte (sp) and the feeling of riding a line of twos... cuz while it was peer support and problem solving back home, its high above most riders here.

God's given me such an amazing support system: back in WA--Anne, Kari, Beth and Kim-- and out here-- Kiara, Nadine, Marija (plus the IVCF girls). But considering the caliber of barn that I am about to go off to, I'm afraid of getting conceited; i'm afraid of alinating those who i love and care about the most-- in the sport as well as out of the sport. Yet, this is where i've been, where i'm going. Oh Lord, let me attribute it all to you, and none of it to me.

And for those of you who are around me, if i EVER start getting too big for my britches (even in non-horse things), smack me hard up side the head. PLEEEEEASE.

On a slightly different topic, i'm realizing that i'm gonna need to by a few more pairs of breeches; however in looking through the catalog tonight, i see that my favorites have increased so dirasticaly in price over teh past 2.5 years, that they're nearly $100. talk about sticker shock. and i need to buy at least 2 pair. *gulp*

2006-02-02T01:41:00.000-05:00

God is wicked awesome. Though Lynds and 409 are close in second. It's one of those moments that make me really really sheepish about grumbling a bit earlier about not being able to discern the Spirit. Yeah, right. Until tonight happend. And God was right on.

It's such a funny thing, that something which should have brought me so much pain, brought only a twinge of what might have been (and a speechless 30 minutes). Yet, I'm willing to be happy for him. And I'm totally cerious and excited for what God has for me, just down the road. Perhaps our paths will cross again, perhaps they won't.

7 years of affection...gone... like ashes swept out by the wind

Riches lie not with a man or a family, but in following God~

2006-01-26T13:27:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid that what I am won't ever be enough.

2006-01-25T19:53:00.000-05:00

With every breath, with every thought
From what is seen to the deepest part
I offer all that I've come to be
To know your love fathering me

Father You're all I need
My soul's sufficiency
My strength when I am weak
That love that carries me
Your arms enfold me, till I am only
A child of God

With every step on this journey's walk
And wisdom's songs that the soul has sought
I give myself unreservedly
To know Your love fathering me

2006-01-22T18:18:00.000-05:00

I've alluded to this in a few other posts, but I love having my sisters back!!!! I love watching their faces light up, listening to their squels...

And slightly off topic, I enjoy being able to dream about ways to show love to people again.

2006-01-20T23:25:00.000-05:00

how do you like my new look?
it was time for a change.

God's been working a lot in my life recently, bringing up old sins and wounds of the past to be forgiven and cast into the depths. Terribly painful, but oh how wonderful when i'm freed from it!

The more i sit here working on my senior paper, the more i am fed up with academia and want to be out. Out where the people are (my single is synomous with solitary confinement), out where I can love people, serve them. Out where i can take risks and persue the Lord in open fields. I was reminded once again reading a xanga post that i am called abroad, to where his people do not know him. Missions, perhaps. but not in the church-planting/exploit africa sense. more like roll-up my sleeves and be amongst the people, loving them, working with and equipping them to fulfill their needs.

2006-01-19T01:35:00.000-05:00

(taken from a friend's live journal)

Best of 2005
1. Living with Marija and Nadine (and Div)
2. Knowing what to do after graduation
3. Times spent with my crazy IVCF girls
4. Striker
5. Spending a few days on Camden St.

Worst of 2005
1. Character flaws of last summer
2. Amherst courses
3. Depression
4. Brilliant sailing moments
5. Misunderstandings with a couple people

name four bad habits you have:
1. overcommittment (well, kinda...)
2. wanting the future to come/not enjoying the present
3. silence on things that really matter
4. thinking too much!

name four things that you wish you had:
1. job (long story, ask and i'll tell)
2. fluency in Russian
3. better relationships with some family members
4. roommates

name four scents you love:
1. rain!!!
2. barn: horses + hay
3. honeysuckle
4. musk

name four people that know you the best:
1. Lynds
2. Ad
3. Kim/Linds
4. Marija

name four things you hardly wear:
1. swim suits
2. dresses
3. jewelry (except earrings)
4. revealing clothing

name four things you are thinking about right now:
1. WA
2. Germany
3. God
4. people

name four things that you have done today:
1. worked on my senior project
2. talked to Lynds
3. dinner with the IVCF girls
4. read some

name the last four things you have bought:
1. posters
2. stuff for my door
3. food
4. books (Alcott, Emerson, Thoreau)

name four people you would like to spend more time with:
1. Lynds
2. Ad/Kim/Anne
3. My roomies
4. Camden St. people

name four bands/groups most people don't know you like:
1. Benjamin Gate
2. Doris Day and Patsy Cline (and pretty much anything else from the 40s and 50s)
3. Dulcimer music
4. Floyd Cramer

four drinks you regularly drink:
1. tea
2. water
3. VitaWater
4. orange juice

name the last four people you have kissed/been kissed by:
1. Tolu
2. Izckra
3. Emma
4. Tomi (not half as sketchy as it sounds. Promise.)

name four random facts about yourself:
1. i love night
2. i never wear gold jewelry
3. i have the Bible in 3 languages
4. My favorite flowers are honeysuckle and jasmine

2006-01-05T10:58:00.000-05:00

I meant to blog this yesterday, but the charm of Mary Poppins enticed me to do otherwise.

I had a wonderful break, blah blah blah, BUT i did get to see LOTR for the first (!) time and also Narnia... furthermore, I got to spend New Year's with friends, which is *far* better than celebrating with my parents and then going to sleep before midnight (which describes the past couple years). So that rocked.

Now for a rant:

Where are the prophets? Where are the people who speak in tounges? Why is it that Matt 10 isn't being lived out by most christians (incl. myself).... according to my interpertation of the Bible and experiences, I believe that the Lord is not just talking figuratively, but in ernst.

Considering how radically lives have been changed by Christ in my church, it would seem like those types of things would happen there... yet they don't. But they happen in obscure places in WA, so they must still be happening somewhere around the world. I'm not content with just experiencing God's goodness and mercy on a shallow? trite? level, I want to experience the power, the fullness of the stuff God has promised us here on earth...

Has our intellectualism, of God, of the Bible, of things unseen, of science, removed the need and the thirst for acts of his power? has our triteness, our contentness for less than we can be given, sold us short of something so amazing here on earth that we can't keep it to ourselves? Has our deafness, caused by relativitism and individualism kept us from hearing the word of God spoken though the prophets or even his voice?

Lord I believe, help me to overcome my disbelief!!!

2005-12-18T19:44:00.000-05:00

Spannung...

I'm tired of this transient lifestyle. I want to find my corner in the world and settle there. No 6+ hour flights ever 4 months (or less), no more cramming my worldy possessions in as little space as possible, and carrying them with me, as a turtle carries its home on its back; no more telling my life though souvieners or postcards. Roots.

Yet, the more I think about some things (like residency, boys), the more I am afraid to commit. Riding has more or less been a part of my life... for what seems like forever now; I understand its lifestyle, its commitment, its demands, its flexibility. Its comfortable and comforting to me.

Residency and guys are different. Yeah. It's a mystery to me how someone can live and devote their entire life in a single town or how my grandparents could commit 57 years of their lives to each other. Frightening.

2005-12-17T20:47:00.000-05:00

meine Leidenschaft kann nicht anders als das Wort Gottes wierden.

ich freue mich.

01.06.06

2005-12-11T14:29:00.000-05:00

wow its been awhile since i've posted...

i suppose a lot has happened since my last post, though it doesnt always feel like much has happened. i found a horse and started riding again; my work for this semester is nearly done; i've reconciled with a few friends; i've joined facebook; i'm learning once again what it means to trust God and to thirst after him; then this morning i stood up in a full church and shared my guts, my struggles and what God has done in my life. I can't even begin to describe how powerful it was to--in front of everyone-- proclaim that I had demonic problems for 5 years and that the Lord delivered me.

*sigh* i love advent...

2005-12-02T01:50:00.000-05:00

It's nearly 2am, and I just finished my make-up homework for one of my Amherst courses. Here it is, nearing the end of the semester, and I'm beginning to feel that I'm improving/at the top of my game at Amherst. It's no secret that I've had trouble adjusting to being a gender minority and off campus this semester, but now, when I finally feel like I can take on and challenge the material-- and the thoughts of my [male] peers-- the semester ends. For most of the semester, my Amherst experience has left me feeling existential, jaded, wondering what value/worth/relevance learning and academics have in my life and in the world today. It's nice to have a break from the existential feelings.

Yes, I definitely do the whole "battle of the sexes" thing when it comes to intellect. I have for a long time... since Steven, actually. Wow, that was a long time ago--nearly 10 years.

2005-11-26T01:32:00.000-05:00

hey there... to anyone out there who still reads this....

just saw RENT tonight. amazing. i saw it on broadway over spring break my first year, and i have to say, that in my humble opinion the movie is better than the play. different angles, scenes and the characters are more eleborated in the beginning. PLUS, as with the play, the soundtrack is as good as ever. (AND its with most of the origional cast--can you really top that for a movie adaption?!?!)

break's been good...busy, relaxing, stressful. Being with family (all family really for me) makes me FAR more appreciative of my close friends at MHC, and just life at MHC. I love how at MHC I am free to be and become a bit more of myself: certain life/personality-defining aspects/elements of myself (namely that I am a CHRISTIAN, and a southern baptist at that) aren't swept under the rug. It saddens me that the people who love and care about me (namely the people at the barns in WA and my family) love and care about a person, who really doesn't exist; that is, the person who they think I am is not really who I am. I want to speak boldly, aligning my 'inner' identity with my 'outer' but we never have conversations about how someone thinks/feels or perceives life... conversations always remain in the factual (ie studies, life plans, etc).

i bleed though.

i bleed when my relatives choose the thanksgiving meal to make fun of and dis Christians. i bleed when i realize that they are not aware that someone they are sharing the meal with is among the dissed and nor are they sensative to that possibility.

yet i rejoice.

i rejoice that the LORD of heaven and earth, the Holy One, will come in triumph and in glory. that He has redeemed me and that i am a new creation, an entirely new being. i rejoice that i can be dissed over the thanksgiving meal because i know Him and He calls me one of his own.

in light of what all i just wrote, i leave you with this thought:

No other path, no other way;
No day but today.
--Rent

2005-11-16T20:30:00.000-05:00

I spoke to my cousin's widow this afternoon, and somewhere I slipped into the conversation that I am [hopefully] moving to Germany after graduation, to which she made some comment about how my relatives came over from Switzerland 1906ish-- and a hundred years and three generations later someone is moving back to the "old" (German-speaking) world from the "new." Crazy, huh?

2005-11-16T11:20:00.000-05:00

In Memory...

Von guten Mächten wunderbar geborgen
Erwarten wir getrost, was kommen mag.
Gott ist bei uns am Abend und am Morgen,
und ganz gewiss an jedem neuen Tag.
D. Bonhoeffer

From good powers wonderfully secure
We wait confidently, what may come
God is with us in the evening and in the morning,
and complete certainity in every new day.
-- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Zeit und Ewigkeit erlösten meinen Kousin

Time and eternity redeemed my cousin

Hans Martin Walser
19.06.1922 - 12.11.2005

von seinen Leiden. In Dankbarkeit bleiben wir ihm verbunden für sein Vorbild als Appenzeller in Familie und Beruf, seinem Dienst als Pfarrer in der Evangelischen Landeskirche.

from his suffering. In memorial we remain connected to him for his example as a Appenzeller in Family and career, his service as a pastor in the evangelical national church (Switzerland).

May your reward be great.

2005-11-14T19:03:00.000-05:00

...and sometimes the Lion of Judah triumphs in the quiet, little "be still and know that I am God" ways...

2005-11-13T18:57:00.000-05:00

there comes a time in every heart a time of real decision
when we reach the point of choosing how we will live our lives
all our hopes, all our dreams will rise up from that moment
the moment we surrender and choose to follow Christ
he's been waiting all our lives to hear us say
i am yours, lord, take my hand and lead the way

that use to be me once; yet today at church, i was convicted. I have so many of my doubts and fears and dreams, that its hard to set it all aside and just _surrender_ and walk in faith. i confess that a lot of what i am feeling is insufficency; fears that my chosen path will lead to a wasted life and that my time will not be well spent. yet a few hours spent with a friend reminds me that light must shine into the darkness, should my tounge be loosened. furthermore, as much as i joke about entering a protestant nunnery after college, i am well aware that God, guys and my path do not mix well together, and i know not someone who has successfully mixed the three.

all i have, all i am is resting in his promise
the promise that he'll make me everything that i should be
i will live, i will die, for the cause he's set before me
to take this love inside my heart for all the world to see

~Newsong, "Defining Moment"

i want, i need, to be like this once again. Lord, help me to surrender all and to walk blamelessly in obedience.

2005-11-09T23:09:00.000-05:00

Heh. Everything comes full circle, it seems. I heard this song once in Germany one night when I was driving to visit Nadine in the hospital, but I didn't know who it was by, and in all honesty, was shocked that the German radio equivlent of KISS would play such a song mixed in with Eminem and everyone else that you could expect to find on such a radio station. I stumbled across this song tonight-- lately i've wondered why i am even a german major and am re-evaluateing my decision to move to germany. But this song, this group, encourages me to go back, to seek out what the Lord has for me there.

Dein Leben--Soehne Mannheims (with my rough translation into english)
Wenn die Zeit es zeigt wird man sehen (When the time it shows will one see)
ob wir die richtigen Wege gehen (if we go the right way)
Die Überlebenszeit ist jetzt denn die Messer sind gewetzt (The survival time is now because the knife is sharpend)
Der Schwätzer hat geschwätzt die Kampagne hat gehetzt (The gosspier is weak, the compagne is agitated)
die Regeln sind verletzt überlebenszeit ist jetzt (the rules are lost survival is now)

Kümmer Dich um dein Leben (Care about your life)
Und dann kümmer Dich um uns! (and then you'll care about us)
Die Schäden können wir beheben (The sin can we remove)
Das ist nicht die Kunst (That is not the art)
Wir müssen was bewegen (We must remove what)
Sonst bewegt sich nix (But remove yourself not)
Es geht nicht nur um Dein Leben (Its only about your life)
Sondern ob es ein Leben ist (But if it is a life)

Mache es Dir nicht so schwer zu viele Blicke sind schon leer (To you its not so difficult, to many looks are alredy empty)
Wir stellen die Ordnung wieder her die keine Ordnung ist (We create the order further where there is no order)
Gib die Sorgen wieder her wenn das in Ordnung ist (Care further if that is in order)
Dann lebt jeder wieder mehr und alles ordnet sich (Then everyone continues to live and everything orders itself)
Hoffnung ist grösser als das Meer (Hope is as big as the ocean)

Kümmer Dich um dein Leben
Und dann kümmer Dich um uns!
Die Schäden können wir beheben
Das ist nicht die Kunst Wir müssen was bewegen
Sonst bewegt sich nix
Es geht nicht nur um Dein Leben
Sondern ob es ein Leben ist

Can you see the light do you know the light
When it shines are you one that was blessed with life
Do you feel the time or is it in your mind
Because my father came to give sight and to heal the blind
Come on my people now i know you're feeling well
It's the awakening the chosen will be spiritual
God bless the child in every one of us
It's the coming of christ and in God we trust
Out in the darkness where the demons dwell
In this darkness the devel casted an evil spell
Yea he telling lies watch who you listen to watch what you say because you never know whos hearing you
Can you see the light do you know the light
Will you recognize him when you stand in front of Christ
When he holds your hand will you go with him
Chosen are the few who stand strong with out trembling

Kümmer Dich um dein Leben
Und dann kümmer Dich um uns!
Die Schäden können wir beheben
Das ist nicht die Kunst Wir müssen was bewegen
Sonst bewegt sich nix
Es geht nicht nur um Dein Leben
Sondern ob es ein Leben ist

On another note, my German advisor and I got into a conversation about IVCF; apparently several years back her niece came to MHC to learn english and she expected the niece to have a hard time adjusting and fitting in, and the niece was worried that there wouldn't be a Christian group on campus, but when she came onto campus, she discovered shortly IVCF and had a wonderful time at MHC and in the States, which my advisor attributes to Christian fellowship. :)

2005-11-09T00:43:00.000-05:00

mmm... life bites today. it's been one of those days in which i wonder if my life has any value in it at all...

on a more cheerful note, the PWC/Christian dinner last night was *amazing*. God was totally present and every single one of our/my prayers regarding that dinner were answered. it was awesome how in each person's response to "what is the best thing about your faith/tradition?", that his powerful hand was on each one of us as we spoke, and another aspect of the Lord shown through and their questions were honest and sincere. it was also cool to see how much my sisters have grown. :) how holy the slain lamb is!

2005-11-05T17:55:00.000-05:00

soooooo... the wiccan pagan collective invited the Christians on campus to dinner for a dialogue on Monday. i think this is the first time in a long, long while (if not the first time ever) that both groups have shared a meal together and discussed spiritual matters. i am going, and actually, am really looking forward to the dinner.

i feel compelled to go, having once been wiccan and now Christian-- I dont know of anyone else in the fellowship who has walked both sides, though there is one who is currently walking both roads. this upcoming dinner is forcing me to think about what i have not though about in a long, long time... why did i become wiccan? what was it that drew me to it? what exactly made me consider Christianity, let alone pursue it? i know that i entered it through the new age movement, but in his mercy, God has allowed that part of my memory--those dark years-- to be taken away. now, i feel like i must open pandora's box and look inside, but Lord give me the strength to cling to you.

funny though, in a komisch sort of way-- some of the parts of the Bible that i am most fascinated by, that captive me the most, are the interactions between the wiccan/pagans and God's chosen people. like, at christmas, the magi (Matt 2) are my favorite part... yet they were astrologers (so. not. christian/Judaic.), and God used the stars (what they knew) to reveal himself and lead them to the Christ child. and in the old testament, the part with Saul and the witch of Endor (1. Sam 24:4-28). I just love that story, cuz here is Saul (once chosen by God, but since fallen away), a witch (hated by God and most definitely a part of the evil realm), and Samuel (deceased, but one of the big prophets and a priest), and although the witch calls forth Samuel from the dead, his answer and response to Saul only points towards the awesomness (for words fail me here) of the Lord. And then there's Balaam (Num 22:21-24:25)... a pagan/witch sort of fellow, bent on cursing God's people, but when God appears to him, he reconizes it and obeys him, blessing Israel instead. And all the stories in the New Testament of the demons and the demon-possessed recognizing Jesus before he had revealed himself.

Yes, the demons, the demon-possessed, the witches, the pagans will all, one day, recognize Christ and worship him for who he truly is. Come, Lord Jesus, come. I pray that you will be seen, be recognized at Monday's dinner.

2005-10-29T11:48:00.000-05:00

o weekend of sorrow, o weekend of brokenness, o weekend of joy...

as always, free rides last night was sheer awsomeness. so many people, so many trips, so much admoration. the sancuatory was transformed into a matrix-esq headquarter of efficency and the overflow became a much needed area of food, sugar, tea and movies (and Batman, of no great suprise). More tonight!

2005-10-23T18:36:00.000-05:00

my concentration is totally shot. !doh!

in other news, this has been a really really cool week. so much to be thankful for, so much to be excited about. and church this morning just rocked.

i <3 mercyhouse and the south hadley house church.

2005-10-03T21:07:00.000-05:00

I'm giving you my heart

And all that is within

I'm laying it all down

For the sake of you my king

I'm giving you my dreams

I'm laying down my rights

I'm giving up my

For the promise of new live

And I surrender it all to you, all to you

Mercyhouse was awesome and amazing yesterday. Robert's message was meaningful, to say nothing of relevant. And communion was something else.

Surrender I must, I am, and have yet to do.

The Jordan is waiting...

2005-09-26T17:54:00.000-05:00

May this day stand firm in my memory, least I forget the goodness of the Lord.

Ever faithful God I cling to you
In every way you've shown that you are good
And there's no other love that compares with you
Forever strong, forever true.

2 16-credit semesters, oh baby, oh baby!!!

[amen, hallajuah, praise the most high God!!!]

2005-09-21T12:55:00.000-05:00

the capacity to love begins with persuit after God

2005-09-11T13:16:00.000-05:00

And I love you for the cross

I'm overwhelmed by the mystery

I love you for the cross

That Jesus you would do this for me

When you were broken, you were beaten

You were punished, I go free

When you were wounded and rejected

In your mercy, I go free

--Matt Redman

2005-09-09T23:26:00.000-05:00

it's great to be back.

tonight at IVCF was a testament to what the Lord has done for us, individually and on this campus, and its great to see it come full circle. To see the pain, the tears shed and the strife experienced in my first semester turn to joy and celebration in my fifth semester. If it weren't for Lauren and Julia, I would scarcely believe that the weekend at Toah Nipi even happened. Warm, rich community replaced what was strangers coming together in Christ. The need for 5 College Christian Fellowship at MHC-- MF being the first "stab" at creating it-- has become the desire, and more importantly, the possibility of hosting Western Mass. I am excited to see what the Lord will do here this year, this semester.

But resting on the laurels I am not (nor are they mine, nor IVCFs, but the Lord's); indeed perhaps i shot off my mouth some, but...

What would happen if we did do a sort of "confession booth" (I am alluding to Blue Like Jazz, for those who do not recognize the reference)--confessing to the non-Christian community the good, the bad and the ugly of our walks, Christianity; being as open and frank about our faith and what God has done in our lives as the gay/lesbian/trans community here? What happens if we did traverse this campus openly praising God? What happens if we did chalk questions about faith (ie what is grace?, etc) on the walkways?

what would happen? i scarcely dare to dream...

2005-08-31T20:21:00.000-05:00

im doing well. happy, sore (from dancing), and *almost* back on US time. Mercyhouse and the MoHos are just around the corner.

2005-08-30T22:27:00.000-05:00

back.

***

in search of a dragon-slayer.

2005-07-27T00:03:00.000-05:00

Gone.

2005-07-25T18:34:00.000-05:00

mmmm.... *warm fuzzies*

i love brac. i love the people there. i love watching our guests' faces light up at the stuff i had brought in. i love seeing my supervisor's exceitment in response to my work. its fabalous.

and then delivering a bulging plastic bag of kid toys to the fire station... mainly my old beanie babies, some other stuff. its good passing it all on. cuz i can't take it where i'm going.

***

butterflies/adrinline ecmb. its only a matter of hours....

2005-07-23T23:31:00.000-05:00

ahhhh... there's nothing like disney's Anastascia to get me stoked about going to St Petersburg...

2005-07-20T18:51:00.000-05:00

i think im getting it... or at least understanding the part about the telmarine boy in CS Lewis' The Last Battle. see, the boy thinks hes following tesh (Lewis' spin on Allah/Islam/satan), but he finds himself face to face with a pleased aslan (Lewis' spin on Jesus/Christianity). reading the book, my first reaction was "wha??? has Lewis gone mad?"

but perhaps Lewis hasn't gone [that] batty after all.

a few snippits flash before me:

snippit 1: my roomie goes out to a buddist seminar and comes back with Augastine's Confessions.

snippit 2: a friend sought "the One" (panthesim) and somehow came to Jesus.

snippit 3: in a poem written on one of BRAC's walls, the last line reads "in the end, it is said that all gods bow down to God" (or something along those lines)

snippit 4: "you will find me when you seek me with all your heart" -- God (through Jeremiah)

the magi sought the stars (for they were astrologers) and came to the Christ child. in both of snippits 1 &2, the "real-life, real-time" person sought out something that wasn't of God, yet in the end found the TRUE living God. (similar to the part in TLB) how does that happen?

perhaps snippit 4 is the key, with snippit 3 being a bit of an explantion of 4.

it seems to me, that when one seeks something (God or something of God), one starts off on the path they know, and if they seek ernestly, what they find at the end of the known (often not of God) path they know isn't satisfactory, so they search a bit harder and find God--the true, living God. (the last part is a bit sketchy, cuz something supernatural happens so that the person can jump from the false god to the true God). hence thats why all other gods bow down to the true God (cuz only he can fully satisfy...)

perhaps Lewis has picked up on that (or at least snippits 1&2) and has incorporated it into his work vis-a-vie the telmarine boy in TLB. or perhaps Lewis is suggesting how salvation is possible in an un-Christianized culture.

sounding board anyone?

2005-07-18T13:09:00.000-05:00

time cannot be stopped.

everything is meaningless.

i was formed from the dust and in a few years to dust i shall return.

time marches on.

2005-07-14T14:35:00.000-05:00

I think I found God again. Kinda sorta, and there's definitely some mending to be done. But...

I saw the boy last night, at the town carnival. I was with some friends; he was alone. We politely conversed for a few minutes, my friends and I, with him, and then he leaned over and quietly asked me if i had enough money for him to buy some cotton candy. Reaching into my wallet, thats when I saw Him. Not literally, but in the boy, and in our interactions. And in myself. I pulled out $5, and gave it to the boy, and was quickly met with the biggest, most sincere hug i've had in awhile.

After the boy had gone, I turned back to my friends who were looking at me quizzically, and my action took on a whole new meaning. One friend had spent the whole time at the carnival (until that point), calling other carinval-goers freaks and another word i wont write here. My other friend had helped grow my faith throughout high school and was going through a tough time.

In that swift moment though, my nature was revealed and they saw who I am clearly; I can't help but to believe they saw Him. Because I did. And it startled me.

2005-07-09T23:49:00.000-05:00

do they see Christ in me?

***

[do i see Christ in myself?]

2005-07-09T12:15:00.000-05:00

yo Lynds, call me crazy, but for some strange reason i've taken an affinity to talking to friends and cell phones... ;)

***

you know, the more i dance, the more i remember how much i enjoy/love dressage. not in the "oh yes, i remember that" sort of way, like when you're listening to great-aunt matilda's family stories, but a deeper type of remembering...one done without the mind.

it made me want to go out to the barn at night and school.

yet the irony; almost seems like an injustice.

i came back, in part, to WA this summer so i could ride. but i've done anything but. inadaquacies and technicalities, stripped me of passion, and i can count on one hand the number of times ive ridden in the last 4-5 weeks.

ballroom will never-- can never-- replace riding; i dont have the same drive, the same aspirations, the same aplitudes. yet it can be a subsitute, something that i can do-- and enjoy doing-- when riding isn't there. it opens up a whole new area of the globe for me.

***

2005-07-07T18:17:00.000-05:00

:)

it will be ok. i will go to russia, and while im in route or shortly after my arrival, i will retreive the person that the LORD made. i will regain myself.

meanwhile i sit tight.

there are so many ways i want to love on the people down at the advocacy center...bring them food, necessities and such. $0.75 is such a limited act. i serve, i exalt, i empower, i love on. i haven't found a church, fellowship or even friendship, really, in this town. but i've found them. the toothless, the mentally ill, partially blind, the physically ailing; the city's homeless. yet they are priceless. this afternoon during one of the introductions, a boy a little younger than me, looked up at me, and ever so politely said to me, "don't mind if i say this, but you're pretty" with a sheepish smile. bread & roses.

2005-07-05T22:34:00.000-05:00

Jekell & Hyde revisited.

2005-07-04T01:27:00.000-05:00

i went to my cousin's wedding today. second cousin, really, but i do so much with my extended family (and way far, yet still somehow related, relatives), we usually just leave it at "cousins" and call it good. it was a fun and beautiful ceremony on lake washington, and the weather couldn't have possibly been better. somehow though, hanging out at the wedding afterwards brought the peace and the restoration that i have been searching for this summer. it also brought the longing, but a different type of longing from what i've experienced this summer.

it made me remember. and dream. and realize that everything will be alright.

something about the fellowship time and the reception, and meeting of long-lost cousins and the bride, her friends and her family and all of the church ladies, my social skills (that i've so "proudly" acquired in ma) popped back up and it was like i became my new-self again, and not the saddened, sulken person of the old-self. and it made me smile again, laugh the deep belly laughs until my sides hurt and then some, and my life became like blue skies-- a joyous blank canvas filled with possibilities and potential. it also brought the longing for more and for a future-- not like the longing ive experienced for most of the summer for what was.

and for a moment there, it made me want to ride again.
and dance with gladness again.

2005-06-27T21:29:00.000-05:00

testing, testing... 1,2,3