Thus Far

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Whoops...sorry about the lack of spell-check in the last post... hehe.

I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving: a chance to hang out with my crazy-fun fam, spend some time at the barn (no worries, I still can't ride for another couple of months...but that doesn't stop me from grooming or tacking/untacking), and "preview" the grad school that I am thinking of applying to... :)

Sunday, November 12, 2006


A photo for Crystal... [this is the "You" horse-- Fergus/Impressionist] ... I've been meaning to post this pic since our conversation.


I had a great time hanging out with people last night. I saw Sheneka and Crystal first, then headed up to Amherst for a long evening with Colleen... I miss that girl and our long coffee house talks on life, love, faith, work and other matters. Its nice having someone remind me of who I really am, when it seems/feels like I've lost so much of myself the past few months.

Tonight was the rep night at the bookstore, which was rather enjoyable. I got to meet a few of the reps from the publishing houses, hear about what the hot books are and even walk away with some. I definitely need a book case. I have wayyyyyy too many books in my room; they're piling up on my floor now. Being around it all, really reminds me of how much I love to write, and that premortal urge/tug I'm feeling towards persuing writing in a more professional manner.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Meditating on this. . . (dc Talk's Supernatural)

This world's a tortured place to be
So many things to torment me
And as I stumble down this road it takes a toll
These days and nights I turn to You
No human hand can pull me through
No cosmic force or magic brew will ever do
But I can see it coming
You're not so far away
'Cause I can feel Your power
Surging through the whole of me

God is there and He is watching
He tells me all is well (it's supernatural)
God is there, there's no denying
He's supernatural (it's supernatural)
Supernatural

Beyond this physical terrain
There's an invisible domain
Where angels battle over souls in vast array
But down on earth is where I am
No wings to fly, no place to stand
Here on my knees I am a stranger in this land
I need an intervention
A touch of providence
It goes beyond religion
To my very circumstance

In six days, the universe was made
Supernatural
And from the dead a man was raised
Supernatural
They say He walked across the waves
Supernatural
And I'll believe it to my grave

[That is my life.] This is my God, the one in whom I place my trust. His faithfulness never fails.

I am increasingly thankful for the people in the NH. These current trials have allowed me to see a completely different side of the community. . . Take Jerry, for instance. I am so thankful that I live with someone like him. Before the community prayers/support for me began, I had no idea his faith was that deep; I am so thankful that it is, because his prayers and discernment remind me of who I am. . . not unlike what happens to Caspian (?) in the Silver Chair.

I am also thankful for the restoration of Xavier Naidoo's music on my computer. His music reminds me so much of Germany, of my love for the German people. It's suprisingly not a painful reminder, but a reminder that in due time I will be over there again.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

A few snippits from what I've been reading lately (The Open Secret by Lesslie Newbigin):

Jesus could not satisfy the vox populi. He outraged it. He rejected the "righteous" and accepted the "sinners". Or, to put the matter more accurately, the coming of Jesus is the shining of light, in which all are exposed as God's enemies, and all are accepted as God's beloved. Both the "righteous"-- the representatives of religion, of morality, of social and political order, of sacred traditions-- and the "sinners"-- "the man on the street", the thoroughly "conscientisized" crowd demonstrating outside the governor's mansion-- are revealed in the final showdown as the murderers of God, and both are accepted as the beloved of God. "Father, forgive them; they know not what they do." Jesus is not for one against the other. He is against all, for the sake of all. Faith sees, then, in this happening the wrath of God and his blessing. In the agony in the garden and in the cry of dereliction from the cross, where God was berift of God for our sake and the loving obedience that mankind refuses to give God was offered on our behalf, faith sees the decisive event by which all things were changed, the powers (of state, of law, of tradition) that falsely claim the absolute power were unmasked and disowned, and the reign of God was established. (From pg 50)

I've been meditating quite a bit lately on Jesus' blood. We all were bought with a hefty price: the blood of Christ. On my own, I am never found good enough. My extensive perfectionism, struggles accepting grace and forgiveness and despair when all that I see are my failings time after time and current situation only highlight that I am an enemy of God. It is only through God entering this world as man; the Blameless One [whose perfection I could never obtain] taking on my failings, the one with more power, wealth and prestige than all of the world leaders put together, executed, that I become the Beloved of God. That I can overcome the present. If that isn't a sober and humbling thought, then I don't know what is.

Those who are chosen to be bearers of a certain blessing are chosen for the sake of all. . . Bearers-- not exclusive beneficiaries. There lay the constant temptation. Again and again it had to be said that election is for responsibility, not for privilege. . . It is Jonah who must take God's message to Nineveh. He is the elect bearer of God's promise of blessing for the nations. No one else can bring the blessing. But the election and promise are for Nineveh, for the nations, not for Jonah alone. As God's chosen one he must suffer. God will not let him off. But God will also not let him go. For God does not cancel his calling. (Pg 32-3, my bold emphasis added)

I find Newbigin's thoughts on election and calling interesting in light of the past 6 months. The more I chew on it, the more I wrestle with what he's saying, the more I think he's on to something.

A few scattered musings from my life recently:

-Last Tuesday morning, I realized in one of those insightful, 'birds-eye' moments that I so badly need, that I will ride again. The call from last Fall still remains, but my perspective has dramatically changed. Now when I think of riding, its far less of me + horses and the expression/worship/"Jesus is Lord" part of it coming from that and for more about me + God and His kingdom and the horses coming out of that. I honestly know that even if I don't ever ride again, that I can have just as content and fulfilling of a life as with the horses. And I am secure in that realization. It's an awesome place to be.

-Its also humbling to fully realize that you are the weakest link. Yet, even despite this position, its even more humbling to see God manifest and use me despite my weaknesses. I hope I saw an example of this last night when discussing theology with a student. I certainly saw it two Fridays ago, when I lead the group in prayer-- the words coming out of my mouth were most certainly not my own.

Here's more Newbigin:

"Spirit" is the word used in English versions of the Bible to translate the Hebrew word rauch, meaning "wind" or "breath". A person's breath is the secret of life, and the Spirit of the Lord (rauch Yahweh) is the very life of the Lord himself put forth to give life and power, wisdom and speech, knowledge and understanding to humans. It is the living, mighty and self-communicating presence of God himself. (Pg 57).

  1. Wow. Heavy post. Have a good evening y'all.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I've been seeing a lot of the ugly side of life recently... it seems like in the NH we each have our own little crisis/thing that we're dealing with.

The biggest thing though, is that one of the residents (a recovering cocaine addict; the court mandated her placement here with her 16 month old daughter two months ago) dissapeared last night. WITH her daughter. We dont know where she is-- she and her daughter could be anywhere-- and she's not answering her cell phone. The heartbreaking part of this situation is that it will only end with DHS taking the daughter away; the mom is likely to be arrested. One family, two lives ruined, damaged irrevokably. All for the allure and the shallow promise of happiness that drugs offer.


Mood: sadness

I've been seeing a lot of the ugly side of life recently... it seems like in the NH we each have our own little crisis/thing that we're dealing with.

The biggest thing though, is that one of the residents (a recovering cocaine addict; the court mandated her placement here with her 16 month old daughter two months ago) dissapeared last night. WITH her daughter. We dont know where she is-- she and her daughter could be anywhere-- and she's not answering her cell phone. The heartbreaking part of this situation is that it will only end with DHS taking the daughter away; the mom is likely to be arrested. One family, two lives ruined, damaged irrevokably. All for the allure and the shallow promise of happiness that drugs offer.


Mood: sadness