Thus Far

Saturday, May 28, 2005

blah. can i leave this place? i've tried socializing myself, i really have... its just... to no avail.

Friday, May 27, 2005

my life be like...

It's times like these that make me say,
Lord if you see me please come my way.
Leavin bread crumbs for when I stray
Rely on sacrifice and the price you paid
Sometimes I fall I slip
Got a heartfelt desire be more like you
Trying not to quench your fire by the things that i do

The fear of never falling in love
And the tears after losing the feelings
Of what you thought love was
Like the dirt still up under the rug
Bad characteristics covered in Christ's blood
The joy of new birth and the pain of growing up
The bliss between giving my all and giving up
The highs and lows,
Paths and roads I chose

I believe there's a pride thats stunning,
And I believe in the kingdom coming
I believe if you seek the truth,
You don't need to look far cuz it's gonna find you

(--grits)

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I've honest-to-goodness have forgotten how to ride. I mean, sure I can still sit on a horse and let it pack me around, but that's not riding. I can't connect, can't influence, can't feel. crud.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

oi. i can tell i havent ridden in a while. four months to be exact. then yesterday a friend decides to put me up on her [big] warmblood. i had serious problems walking out of my room this morning; it feels like someone took a hammer and a chisel and split me the way one splits wood. ow.

i can tell a lot of things though. like the hardness of my heart. its like the earth out here... if you're lucky, you have a bit of topsoil to work with before you hit clay. in other areas, its just clay. its wierd to be on the inside looking out-looking in, but thats whats happening. and like an underground stream, a current of depression runs through it all.

then there are the questions... if Gods given me a talent, do i persue/develop it or do i let it be and do something that would seemingly further his kingdom more?


when can i tell my heart to come out of hiding?

Friday, May 06, 2005

an addition to the last post: I do have a few friends in WA where things go both ways (mainly the riders~)

A friend came over the other night needing something, and for some reason, I started talking about my plants (<3), perticuarly the orange. I dont quite know what prompted the conversation/example, but I wanna share it here.

Coming into the year, I was not a plant person. My thumb was a brownish-black and I thought they were kinda stupid. But a couple of Saturdays ago, seconds before I dumped my trash, I notieced that someone had put the orange plant that I had so admired the semester earlier in the trash. Cerious as to what was wrong with the plant, I took it down to the green house to be evaluated, and it turns out it only had spider mites. Since then I have faithfully sprayed the leaves three-four times a day with water to try and kill off the spider mites. Is it working? Well, I've seen new growth, both in new leaves and flower buds, so I must be doing something right. You see, mercy was me taking the plant out of the trash and to the green house, giving it another chance at life. Grace is me spraying the plant three-four times a day. When asked why I trouble myself in spraying the plant instead of letting it fend for itself (survival or fail), its because I enjoy the plant, spraying it, seeing the signs of growth; I enjoy doing what I can to aid/ensure its growth. It hasn't done anything to deserve the high maintaince, but out of grace, I pour time and energy into "fixing" it.

Similarly, with God I haven't done (or could do) anything to deserve or ever earn his love and his doting upon me. Goodness knows Im a twisted, broken, flawed person who would rather sit in a dark corner with a sign that reads "Leave me alone. I don't want your handouts" but in his mercy he pulled me out of the dark corner to life and through his grace, he tends and dotes upon this twisted, sick person.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Music Fest is over and done with for the year, and I am resigning as the lead organizer. In some ways it was better than last year, in others was worse. Despite a lesson in crisis management (and stress control) the few days leading up to it, the fest itself went off without a hitch. I had a great time soaking up the music, chillin' with the artists.

You know its a battle, when the Lord sends a prophatic message through a close friend: "How will you judge Music Fest's success?" A question caught between the should and the actuality. I should judge it by "did it glorify God?", but thats not how I've judged it. I consider it a success for two reasons: (a) MercyHouse is receving $1000 from MHC IVCF/MF05 for their building as payment for performing. This church has given much to me, to IVCF and to MHC, so it is awesome that I (we) can give back. (b) Mari's appearence, though breif, at Music Fest-- I can't really explain why, but her coming even for those 10 minutes, means the world to me. Even more so than giving MercyHouse money.

As classes have ended and reading days (24 hour M&Cs) have begun, I'm filled with dread at the though of spending the summer in WA. There are horses in WA, but not people. Well, yes, people do live out there, but I don't have people there, like I have people here. Here I live in community, along side of people who mutually invest in each other, who love on each other, who genuinly care about each other. There I have people saying "come to my play" or "come to my school," but when I say "come do this," I get a deaf ear. And while I'm (more often than not) willing/happy/interested in the people and investing in them/loving on them, it pains me that (more often than not) it only goes one way.

Time to go on a friend-hunt.

Given the experiences I've had there over the past 15 years, my optimism runs low... and I need, want Christian girly-friends out there. At least there's cell phones.

Peace out, yo.