Life in the "co-ed" world.

I've lived amongst the guys for almost a month now. How is it?, you might ask.

Overall, its been great. I definitely miss having girls my age around, especially fellowshiping with girls the way I did at college. I really miss that, and feel spiritually "starved" in that area. But being around guys has its pluses.

Reflecting on the matter earlier today, its like I've become a woman since moving in here. Not 'woman' in the traditional married, no longer a virgin sense, but 'woman' in that i seem to have found my place as a female in the company of guys. Let me explain. Contrary to the feminist version of what a female should do-- the whole equality amongst the sexes thing-- I've come to accept, develop, and embrace the feminine. The man who owns the house I live in repeatedly calls me "ma'am" and one of the other guys in the house often calls me "little miss". My 'feminine' presence in the house is acknowledged by the guys here.

I'm learning/have learned to come under male leadership and still function 'normally' (i.e. independently, self-reliantly...as i would at college). I've learned/am learning to accept/embrace/act within gender confines at the workplace and not just in a dating relationship: just because my supervisor is male, that doesn't mean I stop being 'female'. Indeed, even though its "the workplace" he still expects to open doors for me and the like. Yet there's "not even a hint of immortality" at work: its written in the bylaws that no single female/male can be alone with a person of the opposite gender in a confined space (building, room, car, etc.). While this might seem odd to many, its something that I have really come to appreciate and welcome in the past couple of weeks. [Like it at home, no person of the opposite gender can come into a person's room.]

Another thing that I really appreciate from ALL the guys I associate with regularly, is they maintain a distance from me emotionally. One of my weaknesses is easily/quickly forming emotional attachments [becoming "emotionally promiscuity"] with guys. Several readers may recall my struggles with this sin last year (particularly this past spring). Yet, I really can't say that this has been a struggle for me since moving here. While I do converse with guys [and quite a bit considering my housing situation] none of the conversations [yet] have lead to emotional promiscuity. I'm really thankful that they are "building towers of silver on [me]" and "enclosing [me] with panels of cedar"(refer to Song of Songs 8:8-9)-- both physically AND emotionally. Far more so than any other group of guys I've been around. I'm grateful for their integrity and my [future] husband will really appreciate it.

One final thought is that when I accept and embrace my femininity, willingly come under their leadership, and allow the guys to do things like open doors for me and follow behind me when walking single file, I'm allowing them to be the men that God intended them to be, as well as becoming more of the women that God intended me to be. It's a win-win situation: we as women just have to humble ourselves enough to let them do it for us [or encourage the guys to do so if they aren't already so inclined]. :-)

3 exciting things since my last post:

1) Colleen visited me for 3 days. It was fabulous having her here and exploring Springfield with her and doing crafts/movie watching together!!!

2) We [Colleen and I] were interviewed by Greg and Larry on the radio. We talked a lot about being Christian at MHC and put in several plugs for various things. Let's see, we plugged: Mount Holyoke, Nehemiah Ministries, Lion's Den Outreach Center, Daughters of Zion, MERCYhouse, Amherst Christian Fellowship, MHC InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, Amherst Koinia Church, Music Fest, European Studies, German Studies and Neuropsych progams at MHC. That's a lot of plugs in such a short time.

3) GOD IS ENTIRELY FAITHFUL (aka: I got paid). It was a very pleasent suprise this afternoon when my supervisor left a voice mail saying he had 2 checks for me to pick up. It was completely unexpected and I just humble myself before the Lord in praise of his provision.

Wow.. haven't posted in awhile. Sorry about that.

But God has been incredibly faithful.

I spent much of last week questioning everything: my job, my life, my existance, God's love; i think salvation was also probably somewhere in the mix. But by the end of the week, God affirmed that I am here, where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing. The confirmation is nice :)

Tied into this, my best friend from high school is coming out for a week for a business conference and the flight times are in such a way that we get to spend a morning together, and then 2-3 days. It's her first time out east; she'll come in two weeks.

Last Saturday TOTALLY got me hooked on what I'm doing. Greg (supervisior) asked me to help out at a youth outreach event that a bunch of churches put together. So I went and spent 6 hours keeping an eye on 4-12 year olds. I think there were about 80 kids. After a morning of games, crafts and lunch, this group from a local Russian church (!) (i think they're quickly becoming my 'new best friends') did a "Kid'z Church" service. It was AMAZING. Better then some of the 'normal' church services i've been to. But they talked about how we are created for a specific purpose: to worship God. At the end, when the alter call came, there was not many kids left in their seats (about 10). EVERYONE ELSE came forward to either dedicate their lives to Christ for the first time or to rededicate their lives to him. It was totally the Spirit-- when the alter call first came, the row of girls sitting infront of me IMMEDIATELY jumped forward, out of their seats and came forward. The alter call wasn't even finished. The other volunteers and I went forward and laid hands on the kids and prayed over them, then we formed a circle around the kids and prayed. It was an AMAZING experience-- just writing about it now gives me goosebumps. This "Soul Business" thing is addictive. In a good way, of course. ;-)

As far as settling in, i'm still trying to find my limits of what i can and cant do and get comfortable with the teens and news. Least I forget why I am here, but not always being a 'nervous rabbit' would be a good thing. My heart goes out to one of the guys in the house and to the teens I work with: they have lost A LOT of friends lately from gang violence.

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret I can't see how
You're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.

~Rich Mullins, "Hard to Get"

As I promised Romy, I do try and blog more during the summer months, so I'm making good on my promise. :-)

Let's see...since the last time I posted, I've:

-walked in the Laurel Parade (MHC's best tradition, I think)
-GRADUATED (w/o passing out from the heat!)
-had a really great time with ALL members of my family and a semi-chaotic graduation party
-hung out with one of my best friends and talked with the other
-moved in to the community house with a bunch of guys (!!!)
-received a very suprising, but useful gift from friends [y'all are *AMAZING* *kisses*]
-started working with the street kids (ages 2nd-5th grade)
-went down to Hartford to network and ended up being told that I should go to seminary (!!).

Unfortuantly, I've noticed some not so great things about myself the past few days...
-like that I'm not very comfortable with myself/my testimony around these people and i don't really know who to turn to or how with some stuff so i've become like a white-washed tomb.

Off to see the doc again tomorrow (i get my med bracelet cut off-- YAY!) and then to CT to spend the weekend with Linds. This upcoming week is a mini-urban plunge/community building week for us at the House.