testing, testing... 1,2,3
Monday, June 27, 2005
*yowl* my cat can't do it right now, so I get to... :)
i give up. i totally give up. i don't think that means im surrendering to God yet, but i am totally throwing my hands up in the air and walking out.
speaking of walking out, i literally walked out of church yesterday. i stayed half-heartidly for the worship... i think i sang one song somewhat... and then during the prayer, i just walked out. it would never cross my mind to walk out in MercyHouse or in one of the churches of last summer, but...
instead, i went to a local coffee shop, got a cup of tea and read through Daniel. Coffee shop was pretty cool too... kinda Rao's-esq, only with fewer people, and a bit smaller. The similarities to Rao's made everything a bit more, well, it reminded me of where I long to be, if my feet must be touch soil.
ugh. *yowl*
i give up. i totally give up. i don't think that means im surrendering to God yet, but i am totally throwing my hands up in the air and walking out.
speaking of walking out, i literally walked out of church yesterday. i stayed half-heartidly for the worship... i think i sang one song somewhat... and then during the prayer, i just walked out. it would never cross my mind to walk out in MercyHouse or in one of the churches of last summer, but...
instead, i went to a local coffee shop, got a cup of tea and read through Daniel. Coffee shop was pretty cool too... kinda Rao's-esq, only with fewer people, and a bit smaller. The similarities to Rao's made everything a bit more, well, it reminded me of where I long to be, if my feet must be touch soil.
ugh. *yowl*
Saturday, June 18, 2005
heh. been awhile. perhaps not so much in days, but in sentiment. life's much better now. its still the same ol', same ol', but i'm learning to look towards the little things and not freak out so much over the big. plus i've been around people who are not my birth parents (i would say "family" but that wouldn't quite fit).
the Languths came, minus Raffie and plus Frank, my sis' new boyfriend. Dinner was amazing over here. Well more like lunch-dinner, cuz we prepared both meals and then forgot that they were off shopping at the new outlets~ Still it rounded out to be a 4-5 course meal. Not bad, and i think they were astonished/overwhelmed at the amount of food. Why must their visits always be so short? Yet I'm seeing them more often, 3x this year so far and in all probable locations: East Coast, Germany, West Coast. But still, each visit never long enough. I guess thats a sign of being family.
In other news, I'm off to Russia for a month. This was the year I wanted to sneek a peek behind what use to be the old iron curtain, and here I am going to the "mother" of it all (the whole communism/post-communism thing, that is). With a little bit of luck, i'll also get a couple hours in Germany to shop. :)
I've chucked all riding aspirations for this summer out and I am a much better rider (or at least a happier, less stressed rider) because of it. Dance happens when I choose to turn on the music.
Cheers.
:)
the Languths came, minus Raffie and plus Frank, my sis' new boyfriend. Dinner was amazing over here. Well more like lunch-dinner, cuz we prepared both meals and then forgot that they were off shopping at the new outlets~ Still it rounded out to be a 4-5 course meal. Not bad, and i think they were astonished/overwhelmed at the amount of food. Why must their visits always be so short? Yet I'm seeing them more often, 3x this year so far and in all probable locations: East Coast, Germany, West Coast. But still, each visit never long enough. I guess thats a sign of being family.
In other news, I'm off to Russia for a month. This was the year I wanted to sneek a peek behind what use to be the old iron curtain, and here I am going to the "mother" of it all (the whole communism/post-communism thing, that is). With a little bit of luck, i'll also get a couple hours in Germany to shop. :)
I've chucked all riding aspirations for this summer out and I am a much better rider (or at least a happier, less stressed rider) because of it. Dance happens when I choose to turn on the music.
Cheers.
:)
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
just shoot me now.
*sigh*
It certainly is not my intention to be a "sob story" or always be full of complaints, but somehow that seems to be what life's giving me right now.
I want out of WA, to run, run away and never come back. I need friends, I need community. I feel dispare, traurig-ness settling in. Its not healthy to *only* interact with one's mom day in and day out.
...and...
why did I let myself get enticed, involved in something when my first instinct was "no" ?
now, I have to do MAJOR damage control, reaching all the way to the president's office. that letter plays with far too much fire, and could oh so easily damage the fragil relationships i have with people i hold dear. I have already lost someone, once considered a close friend, over it.
i cant lose more.
*sigh*
It certainly is not my intention to be a "sob story" or always be full of complaints, but somehow that seems to be what life's giving me right now.
I want out of WA, to run, run away and never come back. I need friends, I need community. I feel dispare, traurig-ness settling in. Its not healthy to *only* interact with one's mom day in and day out.
...and...
why did I let myself get enticed, involved in something when my first instinct was "no" ?
now, I have to do MAJOR damage control, reaching all the way to the president's office. that letter plays with far too much fire, and could oh so easily damage the fragil relationships i have with people i hold dear. I have already lost someone, once considered a close friend, over it.
i cant lose more.
