hey there... to anyone out there who still reads this....

just saw RENT tonight. amazing. i saw it on broadway over spring break my first year, and i have to say, that in my humble opinion the movie is better than the play. different angles, scenes and the characters are more eleborated in the beginning. PLUS, as with the play, the soundtrack is as good as ever. (AND its with most of the origional cast--can you really top that for a movie adaption?!?!)

break's been good...busy, relaxing, stressful. Being with family (all family really for me) makes me FAR more appreciative of my close friends at MHC, and just life at MHC. I love how at MHC I am free to be and become a bit more of myself: certain life/personality-defining aspects/elements of myself (namely that I am a CHRISTIAN, and a southern baptist at that) aren't swept under the rug. It saddens me that the people who love and care about me (namely the people at the barns in WA and my family) love and care about a person, who really doesn't exist; that is, the person who they think I am is not really who I am. I want to speak boldly, aligning my 'inner' identity with my 'outer' but we never have conversations about how someone thinks/feels or perceives life... conversations always remain in the factual (ie studies, life plans, etc).

i bleed though.

i bleed when my relatives choose the thanksgiving meal to make fun of and dis Christians. i bleed when i realize that they are not aware that someone they are sharing the meal with is among the dissed and nor are they sensative to that possibility.

yet i rejoice.

i rejoice that the LORD of heaven and earth, the Holy One, will come in triumph and in glory. that He has redeemed me and that i am a new creation, an entirely new being. i rejoice that i can be dissed over the thanksgiving meal because i know Him and He calls me one of his own.

in light of what all i just wrote, i leave you with this thought:

No other path, no other way;
No day but today.
--Rent

I spoke to my cousin's widow this afternoon, and somewhere I slipped into the conversation that I am [hopefully] moving to Germany after graduation, to which she made some comment about how my relatives came over from Switzerland 1906ish-- and a hundred years and three generations later someone is moving back to the "old" (German-speaking) world from the "new." Crazy, huh?

In Memory...

Von guten Mächten wunderbar geborgen
Erwarten wir getrost, was kommen mag.
Gott ist bei uns am Abend und am Morgen,
und ganz gewiss an jedem neuen Tag.
D. Bonhoeffer

From good powers wonderfully secure
We wait confidently, what may come
God is with us in the evening and in the morning,
and complete certainity in every new day.
-- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Zeit und Ewigkeit erlösten meinen Kousin

Time and eternity redeemed my cousin

Hans Martin Walser
19.06.1922 - 12.11.2005

von seinen Leiden. In Dankbarkeit bleiben wir ihm verbunden für sein Vorbild als Appenzeller in Familie und Beruf, seinem Dienst als Pfarrer in der Evangelischen Landeskirche.

from his suffering. In memorial we remain connected to him for his example as a Appenzeller in Family and career, his service as a pastor in the evangelical national church (Switzerland).

May your reward be great.

...and sometimes the Lion of Judah triumphs in the quiet, little "be still and know that I am God" ways...

there comes a time in every heart a time of real decision
when we reach the point of choosing how we will live our lives
all our hopes, all our dreams will rise up from that moment
the moment we surrender and choose to follow Christ
he's been waiting all our lives to hear us say
i am yours, lord, take my hand and lead the way

that use to be me once; yet today at church, i was convicted. I have so many of my doubts and fears and dreams, that its hard to set it all aside and just _surrender_ and walk in faith. i confess that a lot of what i am feeling is insufficency; fears that my chosen path will lead to a wasted life and that my time will not be well spent. yet a few hours spent with a friend reminds me that light must shine into the darkness, should my tounge be loosened. furthermore, as much as i joke about entering a protestant nunnery after college, i am well aware that God, guys and my path do not mix well together, and i know not someone who has successfully mixed the three.

all i have, all i am is resting in his promise
the promise that he'll make me everything that i should be
i will live, i will die, for the cause he's set before me
to take this love inside my heart for all the world to see

~Newsong, "Defining Moment"

i want, i need, to be like this once again. Lord, help me to surrender all and to walk blamelessly in obedience.

Heh. Everything comes full circle, it seems. I heard this song once in Germany one night when I was driving to visit Nadine in the hospital, but I didn't know who it was by, and in all honesty, was shocked that the German radio equivlent of KISS would play such a song mixed in with Eminem and everyone else that you could expect to find on such a radio station. I stumbled across this song tonight-- lately i've wondered why i am even a german major and am re-evaluateing my decision to move to germany. But this song, this group, encourages me to go back, to seek out what the Lord has for me there.

Dein Leben--Soehne Mannheims (with my rough translation into english)
Wenn die Zeit es zeigt wird man sehen (When the time it shows will one see)
ob wir die richtigen Wege gehen (if we go the right way)
Die Überlebenszeit ist jetzt denn die Messer sind gewetzt (The survival time is now because the knife is sharpend)
Der Schwätzer hat geschwätzt die Kampagne hat gehetzt (The gosspier is weak, the compagne is agitated)
die Regeln sind verletzt überlebenszeit ist jetzt (the rules are lost survival is now)

Kümmer Dich um dein Leben (Care about your life)
Und dann kümmer Dich um uns! (and then you'll care about us)
Die Schäden können wir beheben (The sin can we remove)
Das ist nicht die Kunst (That is not the art)
Wir müssen was bewegen (We must remove what)
Sonst bewegt sich nix (But remove yourself not)
Es geht nicht nur um Dein Leben (Its only about your life)
Sondern ob es ein Leben ist (But if it is a life)

Mache es Dir nicht so schwer zu viele Blicke sind schon leer (To you its not so difficult, to many looks are alredy empty)
Wir stellen die Ordnung wieder her die keine Ordnung ist (We create the order further where there is no order)
Gib die Sorgen wieder her wenn das in Ordnung ist (Care further if that is in order)
Dann lebt jeder wieder mehr und alles ordnet sich (Then everyone continues to live and everything orders itself)
Hoffnung ist grösser als das Meer (Hope is as big as the ocean)

Kümmer Dich um dein Leben
Und dann kümmer Dich um uns!
Die Schäden können wir beheben
Das ist nicht die Kunst Wir müssen was bewegen
Sonst bewegt sich nix
Es geht nicht nur um Dein Leben
Sondern ob es ein Leben ist

Can you see the light do you know the light
When it shines are you one that was blessed with life
Do you feel the time or is it in your mind
Because my father came to give sight and to heal the blind
Come on my people now i know you're feeling well
It's the awakening the chosen will be spiritual
God bless the child in every one of us
It's the coming of christ and in God we trust
Out in the darkness where the demons dwell
In this darkness the devel casted an evil spell
Yea he telling lies watch who you listen to watch what you say because you never know whos hearing you
Can you see the light do you know the light
Will you recognize him when you stand in front of Christ
When he holds your hand will you go with him
Chosen are the few who stand strong with out trembling

Kümmer Dich um dein Leben
Und dann kümmer Dich um uns!
Die Schäden können wir beheben
Das ist nicht die Kunst Wir müssen was bewegen
Sonst bewegt sich nix
Es geht nicht nur um Dein Leben
Sondern ob es ein Leben ist

On another note, my German advisor and I got into a conversation about IVCF; apparently several years back her niece came to MHC to learn english and she expected the niece to have a hard time adjusting and fitting in, and the niece was worried that there wouldn't be a Christian group on campus, but when she came onto campus, she discovered shortly IVCF and had a wonderful time at MHC and in the States, which my advisor attributes to Christian fellowship. :)

mmm... life bites today. it's been one of those days in which i wonder if my life has any value in it at all...

on a more cheerful note, the PWC/Christian dinner last night was *amazing*. God was totally present and every single one of our/my prayers regarding that dinner were answered. it was awesome how in each person's response to "what is the best thing about your faith/tradition?", that his powerful hand was on each one of us as we spoke, and another aspect of the Lord shown through and their questions were honest and sincere. it was also cool to see how much my sisters have grown. :) how holy the slain lamb is!

soooooo... the wiccan pagan collective invited the Christians on campus to dinner for a dialogue on Monday. i think this is the first time in a long, long while (if not the first time ever) that both groups have shared a meal together and discussed spiritual matters. i am going, and actually, am really looking forward to the dinner.

i feel compelled to go, having once been wiccan and now Christian-- I dont know of anyone else in the fellowship who has walked both sides, though there is one who is currently walking both roads. this upcoming dinner is forcing me to think about what i have not though about in a long, long time... why did i become wiccan? what was it that drew me to it? what exactly made me consider Christianity, let alone pursue it? i know that i entered it through the new age movement, but in his mercy, God has allowed that part of my memory--those dark years-- to be taken away. now, i feel like i must open pandora's box and look inside, but Lord give me the strength to cling to you.

funny though, in a komisch sort of way-- some of the parts of the Bible that i am most fascinated by, that captive me the most, are the interactions between the wiccan/pagans and God's chosen people. like, at christmas, the magi (Matt 2) are my favorite part... yet they were astrologers (so. not. christian/Judaic.), and God used the stars (what they knew) to reveal himself and lead them to the Christ child. and in the old testament, the part with Saul and the witch of Endor (1. Sam 24:4-28). I just love that story, cuz here is Saul (once chosen by God, but since fallen away), a witch (hated by God and most definitely a part of the evil realm), and Samuel (deceased, but one of the big prophets and a priest), and although the witch calls forth Samuel from the dead, his answer and response to Saul only points towards the awesomness (for words fail me here) of the Lord. And then there's Balaam (Num 22:21-24:25)... a pagan/witch sort of fellow, bent on cursing God's people, but when God appears to him, he reconizes it and obeys him, blessing Israel instead. And all the stories in the New Testament of the demons and the demon-possessed recognizing Jesus before he had revealed himself.

Yes, the demons, the demon-possessed, the witches, the pagans will all, one day, recognize Christ and worship him for who he truly is. Come, Lord Jesus, come. I pray that you will be seen, be recognized at Monday's dinner.