Spannung...

I'm tired of this transient lifestyle. I want to find my corner in the world and settle there. No 6+ hour flights ever 4 months (or less), no more cramming my worldy possessions in as little space as possible, and carrying them with me, as a turtle carries its home on its back; no more telling my life though souvieners or postcards. Roots.

Yet, the more I think about some things (like residency, boys), the more I am afraid to commit. Riding has more or less been a part of my life... for what seems like forever now; I understand its lifestyle, its commitment, its demands, its flexibility. Its comfortable and comforting to me.

Residency and guys are different. Yeah. It's a mystery to me how someone can live and devote their entire life in a single town or how my grandparents could commit 57 years of their lives to each other. Frightening.

meine Leidenschaft kann nicht anders als das Wort Gottes wierden.

ich freue mich.

01.06.06

wow its been awhile since i've posted...

i suppose a lot has happened since my last post, though it doesnt always feel like much has happened. i found a horse and started riding again; my work for this semester is nearly done; i've reconciled with a few friends; i've joined facebook; i'm learning once again what it means to trust God and to thirst after him; then this morning i stood up in a full church and shared my guts, my struggles and what God has done in my life. I can't even begin to describe how powerful it was to--in front of everyone-- proclaim that I had demonic problems for 5 years and that the Lord delivered me.

*sigh* i love advent...

It's nearly 2am, and I just finished my make-up homework for one of my Amherst courses. Here it is, nearing the end of the semester, and I'm beginning to feel that I'm improving/at the top of my game at Amherst. It's no secret that I've had trouble adjusting to being a gender minority and off campus this semester, but now, when I finally feel like I can take on and challenge the material-- and the thoughts of my [male] peers-- the semester ends. For most of the semester, my Amherst experience has left me feeling existential, jaded, wondering what value/worth/relevance learning and academics have in my life and in the world today. It's nice to have a break from the existential feelings.

Yes, I definitely do the whole "battle of the sexes" thing when it comes to intellect. I have for a long time... since Steven, actually. Wow, that was a long time ago--nearly 10 years.